Long story long: married 16 years, sex enjoyable tho not that frequent prior to kids, far less that was far less than when only dating and engaged. Sex become virtually non-existent almost 10 years ago. Had it once with my husband in 2008, first time in over 4 years. Other root-issues problematic in marriage so we started seeing a marriage counselor in Jan after years of my asking - he was content and was in shock to find out during our first session that I was halfway out the door - Happily we are at a point where we have neutralized our relationship, meaning much headway made, many insights - 4 out 5 deal breaker issues addressed - life at home so much better - but still no sex, save once - in March. I have made overtures multiple times a week. He doesn't like to kiss; kissing is not the only thing that turns me on - but it is integral to the act of sex.

HE IS NOT GAY, HE IS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR. ABSOLUTELY has a low libido. I am in my forties, attractive and look at least 10 years younger and I WANT SEX! Didn't for a long time, thought maybe I was asexual and I am just as guilty for letting us fall into the bad habits we fell into...

He had tried and succeeded on all other fronts regarding changes that needed to be made - but this one has reached an impasse. The other changes were perfunctory (help with kids more, communicate more, etc.) and this one seems to be far more challenging.

Any suggestions on what I can do to make him feel more amorous (he has trouble also talking about it but far more with the counselor than with me)? He understands that this is a major issue and stated this week that he is willing and wants to address it - so what can I do to help him do just that?He comes home tomorrow after traveling all week (typical). How can I make this easier for him?

And how long do I give him to work it out?

"Ava" (for short) WELCOME, Sweetie ,

Read ANY of my comments, and you'll see CLEARLY that I have SUFFERED---yes, SUFFERED the VERY SAME PROBLEM for DECADES, Babe! The people here have been NOTHING BUT WONDERFUL!!! Now it's MY TURN to try and help someone else....you?! By the way--the NEGLECT of another partner SEXUALLY and EMOTIONALLY, etc, is also a form of ABUSE if it isn't for medical and other VERY LEGITIMATE reasons....

My hubby and I have been together over 25 years, married almost 22. Your story doesn't have to take as 'sour a turn' as mine did.

Many WONDERFUL PROFESSIONALS and non-professionals here suggested that my husband get a complete physical FIRST.... He WAS overweight/out of shape back in the Fall, and when he tried Testosterone therapy it triggered other things to go wrong in his body, such as Diverticulosis, gout, and other annoying things; he was also under immense stress. He is in his mid-50's. His Testosterone DEFINITELY tested VERY, VERY LOW....

After having gone through some VERY BAD circumstances, (including laid off in February) he is now a LEAN AND MUSCULAR 170 lbs. He had turned all of his nervous energy into a good old-fashioned WORK-out...I'm talking REAL sweat-equity-type workout around the house (painting, drywalling, moving furniture from a sold house into storage and into a purchased house...with VERY LITTLE HELP).

He was given a sample of VIAGRA only last month by a buddy of his (I wouldn't recommend it from ANYONE but HIS OWN DOCTOR). It worked, and with NO bad side affects! He went to his doctor who gave him two more samples to try, 'Cialis' and 'Levitra'...he likes the Cialis the best, and will probably get a Rx for it...

Ava, he not only performed as he never did before, he also became more confident. We INVESTED in more toys and EDUCATIONAL as well as ENTERTAINING DVD's from FREDDY AND EDDY'S ONLINE STORE... We will (HOPE NOT TO) NEVER go back to a sexless, loveless marriage again...

He said for your husband to talk to him. Here in the boards his name is "Longjon"...but there are MANY, MANY people here who are ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL, as you will see!

Feel free to contact me in Private Messaging (PM)... Ava, I REALLY WAS SUFFERING...I have MUCH to share...you take care of yourself now. Don't shy away from ordering some of the toys here (HITACHI WAND! )

HUGS!!!

Ult

Ult - thanks for the warm welcome and I'm very glad to hear that you and your husband have had a "break-through". I didn't realize viagra was for libido. Husband has no problem getting an erection. I could get him off every night if I wanted to. It's his lack of desire to have sex, to partake in the act that's the problem. He will lie next to me and let me caress him, and will upon occasion caress me...(this is of late only) but there is no enthusiasm and little effort.
Perhaps there is some hormonal therapy out there I need to explore? He said he would see an endocrinologist back in Jan and even tho I have reminded him, there have still been no appointments made as of yet but he does travel a lot.

Thanks again and I will look with interest to your postings!

Avatar

Hello, this is the hubby of Ult, Longjon. I wanted to let you know I had a very low sex drive, and am on Testerone Gel. (AndroGel). I have no problem getting it up, but I also take Cialis. The combination of the 2 makes me very horny, and able to have intercourse for hours if I need to. Pretty amazing combination. Anyway, it could be that your husband is not aware of the little trick god played on men and women, with us men at our sexual height in their 20's, while the women usually in their 40's. Yea, thats fun. The best thing we as men can do for our women we love, is find out what we can do to meet the needs both sexually, and emotionally. If we do not, someone else will. It's up to us, do we care enough to find out whats wrong, and correct it, or continue on with a loveless, sexless marriage, which will surely fail. Men! Wake up (me )! Don't let a bad situation continue for another day. I almost lost my wife due to me burying my head in the sand with this issue, don't let it happen to you.

Thanks for the info! Appreciate it very much.

Hey no problem, anytime. I hope your hubby will heed.

Welcome Avatar!
Well, it seems like you are on the right track, but really until your hubby opens up and communicates to you what he likes to let you turn up the fire in the bedroom or any room, you two will fall back into old practices. Wait, he will fall into old habits. And it does sound like he doesn't even realize how much of an issue it is within your relationship. Maybe do a little role-playing to change it up? Tell us how your weekend went....

Hello Avatar,
I was reading through your thread and thought i may just add a little. HSDD (hypo sexual desire disorder) is a fairly common sexual dysfunction. I noticed that you mentioned that your husband was attending counselling, i may be important if possible to seek out counselling by a sex therapist or a counsellor with specific knowledge of sexual concerns. There are several issues that should be addressed in a session during the assessment phase. Low desire may come about or develop for a number of reasons; there may be a biological/organic cause, this may be through testosterone deficiency. There may also be intergenerational issues, meaning that your husbands low desire may be the product of his psychosexual development and negative sexual messages that he may have received whilst growing up. Relational issue may also impact on sexual desire.
It has been stated that it is also important for couples to view sexual concerns jointly and to work on sexual concerns together both with a therapist and at home, this takes the pressure and 'blame' off one singular person and helps recovery (you may already view it as such, but its good to emphasise). It is good that you have developed and worked on your communication issues as this will be the foundation addressing HSDD as eddy has suggested. It is also important to understand how this may be affecting your husband and how addressing this issue may force him to face his percieved inadequacies and feelings of failure as a man (which he may or may not feel).

If a medical examination reveals any organic factors then medications and medical interventions such as hormone replacement therapy. Other treatments may include cognitive therapy, treatment of other sexual dysfunctions (if others are uncovered), sensate focus and other strategies to promote sexual intimacy, working with fears of intimacy, pyschosexual education among other things.
However PDE5 inhibitors such as cialis and viagra do not improve sexual desire only erectile dysfunction (however if sexual confidence is a factor than it may be of assistance) and HRT will only work if there is a lack of hormone produced by the body.

Final note, it is important that you both address this issues and both attend sessions some of the times together ( as you may also have concerns, both about treatment and the impact on you.. i.e negotiating sex)and that it may take time, but if you both work at it, it will enrich your relationship and hopefully teach you both alot about each other (and yourselves).. Good luck