I am a 36 year old woman who has never has an orgasm. My boyfriend tries his best to please me, but is constantly frustrated because I never orgasm during oral sex or intercourse. I have never masturbated to an orgasm either. I just purchased my first vibrator, the ivibe pocket rocket, but I find it uncomfortable, and my clit goes numb. I am thinking about purchasing a butterfly for clitoral stimulation during sex, for clitoral stimulation during penetration gets me almost there, but no climax. Amy suggestions for reaching the ultimate peak, and which butterfly to choose?

Thanks

Try indirect stimulation with the Pocket Rocket, such as putting your fingers on your clit and then putting the Rocket on your fingers. Experiment with that and see if you can find anything that suits your fancy. You might also try a vibrator that produces a higher amplitued, lower frequency vibration, such as the Hitachi Magic Wand or Panasonic Panabrator.



You also might want to pick up a copy of "Great Vibrations" featuring Carol Queen. The production values are only fair, but Carol's a great host, and she shows about a million different ways to use different vibrators, including a few even I'd never thought of!



The key is to find what actually feels good and go from there. If something doesn't make you go "ummm. that's nice!" (let alone making you numb!) try something else.



Most of all, try and enjoy the journey. Concentrating too much on having an orgasm can make it almost impossible to have an orgams (Believe me, I know. I used to find it almost impossible to blow a load in a woman's mouth.)



-T.C.

Nia,

Sounds like some extended solo play might be in your interest. There are tons of toys out on the market, it might be a good idea like Tony suggested to take a look at everything available and see what you think might suit your fancy better than the finger vibe. My wife also has the same problem with the small vibes like that producing almost a numbing sensation due to the power of the vibration being small but a very high frequency.

Actually we've just gotten done reviewing a DVD for Freddy and Eddy from the Sinclair Institute that explores all types of toys and shows them in use. I'd recommend this particular DVD for you if you want to get a better idea of what each type of toy does and see it in use before purchasing. It doesn't cover everything on the market but does a very good job of covering most of the general types of toys. You might send a private message to Freddy and inquire about getting this DVD.

Beyond that, I'd suggest the solo play as it helps take off the pressure of trying to perform for another person let alone yourself. As others have suggested on this site, an evening of indulging only yourself might be just the ticket. A nice hot bath, some soothing music, a video if you like, and just work on enjoying your body all night. See how that works and let us know if we can be any more help. Oh, and welcome to the site, it's a great resource!

Welcome Nia!
So glad you brought up this topic. I myself didn't really masturbate until my early 30's. I was so into pleasing others that I didn't really think of myself. So I definitely hear you, but please don't go on a buying spree looking for that perfect toy. At least not yet. As the other posts mentioned(and did you notice that they were men?) Pretty cool, to see that there are a lot of men out there that totally relate with us women. You really need to look in and see the real you and see what you want and need to get to that point. You definitely need to invest some time doing the solo thing first, and interesting enough I'm reading and doing a review on the "The Goddess Orgasm" a book of Empowered Sex for Today's Woman. Send me a PM and I'll chat with you about it.

One other thing. Although you here over and over again how most women achieve orgasm most easily from clitoral stimulation, most women is not the same thing as all women. My wife climaxes with a vibrator quite easily, but with me she cums far more easily from getting her insides stirred around than from any kissing, petting, stroking, fingering or licking of her clit. Don't forget to do some exploritory poking around inside your own twat, most especially when you're already arroused. What feels like a gynocologyst exam when you're thinking about the shopping list can feel quite nice when you're engorged, greasy, and ready to go!

(Ashley, one of the women we just photographed, had a *miraculous* digital technique that she used to quite an effect on Kisha. She might be available for a consultation )

-T.C.

Welcome Nia to F&E, it's nice to have you here. At the risk of sending you into overload and regretting you ever asked here's a few quick thoughts.

As Buck said ,feeling bad about someone else's frustration at your lack of orgasm is probably not that helpful to you. Learning to pleasure yourself and explore orgasms through masturbation means you just get to concentrate on yourself and your own feelings without having to be "giving" at the same time.


It can help to consider your self pre orgasmic not non orgasmic -- the lovely thing about human bodies and minds is that they can learn to feel pleasure, they just need training. Then you've got the next 36 years or more to look forward too.

As far as I can tell my orgasms start in my head. If I'm by myself,I need to turn on my head with fantasy, words, images, sounds etc. I could vibrate or stroke my clit clean off my body but it wouldn't make me orgasm if my head wasn't turned on. It may be worthwhile exploring what turns your mind on.

Tony's right about clits too, they are great but they aren't the only bits in need of attention. There's no way my sweetheart can get me off clitorally as well as I can, I've perfected the technique! But he can do very lovely things with his hands and cock that I can't replicate!

Good luck and hope to see you around here lots.

Hi welcome to the boards!
As rain mentioned a lot of it is mental and I know too that if I'm not focused on the pleasure or the fantasy if I'm alone I'll lose the whole thing and there is no chance of an orgasm. I used to be on the chat rooms a lot and was a lot into the cyber sex and could cum and have an orgasm with out even touching myself. It's not as good as actually having someone there touching you but you learn to get yourself into the moment and focus your pleasure on your clit.
Try reading some porn or even check out some pics and focus on trying to feel whats happening "down there" .
If vibes are too much for you try wearing jeans with no underwear or the corner of a pillow or cushion instead of just your hand. It gives a different feeling and sometimes will hit the spot you need.
Good luck!

Have you tried any bath-based water stimulators? Some hook into the faucet or some into the the shower part...



I think you need to focus on yourself before having another be able to please you. Try setting the mood in a bathroom with zero distractions in the house. Set up candles, maybe some soothing music, really pamper yourself in the moment. Set the comfortable tone then look into a mild sensation water apparatus that will stimulate but not over numbulate your clit.



The point is to get into the state of total relaxation and spoils that you create for yourself. Once you learn what makes you tick then you can work with your partner, together to achieve a higher ground.

Perhaps you should step up to the "big leagues." The Eroscillator 2 is the device that gave Eddy her first "big O" and is the one product by which we judge all others. It doesn't pound on the clit like most vibes (it rotates at super high speeds, rubbing it instead), so you won't go numb and it's very maneuverable for use during intercourse. I like to hand it to her while I'm penetrating for the ultimate combo. Works every time. The funny part is that Eddy will sometimes avoid it because it causes her to lose her mind TOO much.



At 100.00, it's on the expensive side; however, it's built like a tank and will outlast just about every other pretender on the market. It runs off electrical (and has a VERY long cord) and so you'll never need to worry about batteries.

You know, I still think it looks like an electric toothbrush.
Still, for as long as I can remember knowing about sex toys (okay, legally) I've heard hype about that thing.
It's entirely possible that it could be the single greatest sex toy made for women. In that case, why doesn't everyone have one? (Other than the slightly frightening price!)

~Ang

Hey there Celt. I don't have one of those lovely beastie machines but I recommended it to the husband of a friend on the basis of Freddy and Eddy's response. The husband called me tell me how totally in love his wife was with the product after having not much response to the standard type vibe. Of course she hasn't tried the percussive massager (Alien) yet...



Should my husband call any of you, you know what to recommend right?

Regarding my previous post:



My sensual friend, Laurie, says she loves this device while in the tub.

I tried looking for a link to this page but could not add it to my previous post. This actually attaches to the post coming off the wall, then the shower head ataches to this.



The switch allows the plastic tube to apply a stimulating application of water at varying pressures for maximum control of stiumulation.



http://www.welcomed.com/videos/wk.html

Check it out.

I am multi-orgasmic, but I can't cum with hard direct clitoral stimulation. It's too intense. It makes me feel like I hafta pee (urethra is right there).

I had a girl-friend who would have Sarah Days. She would get her LR all prettied up...light candles, hang that fabric like you use to make a bridal train (can't think of what it's called). She'd burn incense or spray aroma therapy, light music. Then she'd play music and dance around naked, etc. etc.

I personally love right after I shave my "lips"...lock the BR door, play some nice music, close the blinds, have the bed all nice. Then I get some scented oil (safe for You Know Where), a vibrator (the big Insy kind, no clit jobby for me). And then I just start touching myself veeeeeeery slowly, thinking sexy thoughts. I totally focus on doing what feels really, really good. I love to start on the outside and go slowly, barely touching myself. With the oil I can move smoothly and with the lightest possible touch.

Anyway, me being who I am, a slut, it doesn't take long before I am done. The more I try to prolong it, the harder it seems to be to "hold out"...unlike Sarah, who can make an afternoon of it, admiring herself in the mirror and what not. (She's worth admiring, too, believe me.)

Not that you have to do this, but my point is that it can be nice if you really do something special...not with the idea of having an orgasm, but just doing things that feel good. Because that's what is going to help you cum. Just to keep finding out what feels good, and then do it.

Final suggestion: if you are ever getting close to cumming and can't, try contracting your vaginal muscles (Kegeling). When I was younger I had trouble getting to the Big O sometimes, and that often helped. If you are having sex your partner will appreciate the extra tight stimulation, too.

I highly suggest that every man and woman learn how to Kegel, and do them every day. Helps men control themselves from ejaculating (do a bunch of Kegels when you feel it impending) and tones vaginal muscles.

JL