How to boost self esteem

I'm having some issues and wondering if I can get your honest feedback. Hubs has gotten out of shape in the last year and his self esteem's pretty low because of it. Throw in helping starting up a new business and money has been tight and me having had 2 surgeries. How can I help him realize what a sexy, wonderful, loving, handsome, desirable man? He is all those things and more to me. He has a very low libido, no iterest in sex. He's been to the doctor and he ran some tests but said everything is fine. I don't think he sees himself as attractive or sexy. I want to help him and support him but I don't want to be too annoying (lol) or push him away. I think if he and I started exercising more and being more active we'd both feel better and get more energy but I'd love to help him to be able to love himself again. I know money problems can be a real limp dick but we're coping and things will get better money wise. I try to be as open minded as possible. I'm willing to try anything sexually that he wants but he just has no interest. I have a closet full of stilettos and sexy outfits and costumes and dozens of toys and lots of gear but it's all collecting dust right now. I've tried jumping his bones, but he's never in the mood. I'm not sure what to do to help him. I appreciate all your feedback,

Frustated

Curious Stiletto~ Looks like T-Rex has given you a good push in the right direction. It's hard right now with the stress level, but you have to be the one pushing it, and keeping it on the table. Exercise is the best libido upper (like I should talk! I haven't been to the gym in months! ) But you can do it for yourself and then say after a week of going for morning or late afternoon walks, you can ask your hubby to join you. You don't want to pesk, but you can lead him towards it if you are focused on it. I know that talking about it may be too confrontational, so just do it and make it a fun way to get some exercise. Whether you take up belly dancing, or even a pole dancing class. Just taking one class will get your juices flowing , which will carry over to your hubby.

ED meds.

I had to put my foot down and announce that I was taking MrR to the doctor. Know what? He was completely relieved that I "took over" the beginning of the course correction.

Sounds like papering over the real problem.

For MrR, and me, they literally overnight, put him back on the road to self-confidence. They are not an answer. They just made the first step so much easier for him.

Which made it possible for me to help. Including regular exercise. Ditto T-Rex. And drinking less.

We had a sexually identical condition developing. And for the same reasons.

And he hasn't needed the drugs since the first time. He takes a small dose once every 4 months or so, when he feels like it.

Also, affection, making out, dry humping that doesn't lead to intercourse has raised our sexual anticipation, energy, and confidence in the strength and constancy of our sexuality. Especially during the day when we're apart.

BTW, don't take out your sexy costumes just now. It reminds him of his loss of esteem.

Thank you so much for the heartfelt advice. Hubs doesn't have a problem getting it up, but would a little blue pill also help his libido? We have been checking out "libido" supplements at the local healt food stores. Stress, low self esteem and being overweight are his problems. He is starting to take my lead and get a bit more active and eat healthier.
And Cici, all my sexy clothes and shoes are hidden away. I know it's not the end of the world and him and I need to start lving a healthier lifestyle. I've tried to take the pressure off of him and sex but I still hig and kiss and cuddle with him.

quote:

He is starting to take my lead and get a bit more active and eat healthier.

my 2 cents: healthier is happier

we're middle aged (50's) and since going to the gym, eating right, losing weight.....we fuck like rabbits. any time anywhere, and it's great!!

sex is also proven to actually enhance a person's health. one feeds off the other.

My favourite way of exercising (apart from gardening) is walking. Especially walking with my husband. We talk like radios on steroids when walking. The two things just go together, I move the first foot and bla bla bla, "no power in the 'verse can stop me".

So walking works wonders both for peaceful, effective communication and health.

Thanks Snowflake. Hubs and I do go for walks once in a while. I's love to start going for a walk with him after dinner each day but it gets dark early here and it's chilly and it's already snowed, ugh.

Once in a while I get frustrated and think it's all my fault and that I'm unattractive and undesireable but I know that's just the frustration talking. I kind of feel like in the odd man(or woman) out because all you ever hear about is men wanting their wives/partners to have a higher sex drive or men wanting their wives/partners to try new kinky things. I have a very high sex drive and I'm wickedly kinky and willing to try just about anything with hubs. I've been trying to plan a date night for the last few weeks but we always end up with company or he has to work late or we're too darn busy. One day I should just get dressed up, phone him and tell him when he gets home, have a shower and change and we are going out. I'm scared that our lack of a sex life will become too familiar. I miss the intimacy

Curious stiletto you are right to be scared at your lack of sex life. As I've said before there was a long arid period in mine & G's relationship... it just got to the point when we basically didn't bother! We finally found our way back to a fulfilling sexual relationship and at 65 and 59 we have a great time!

So don't let it drag on, there will always be something else to do make a healthy sex life a priority not something that happens if you don't fall asleep the minute you head hits th pillow

My man had been under enormous stress for a few years: grad school, I had our daughter when he was a year or so in, job interviews, he got a job at a horrible company run by jerks but sucked it up because it was the only job he could get at the time, was at that horrible job for three years, had our son in the meantime, FINALLY got out of that horrible job and is now working for himself...but the combo of all that caused relentless stress. He also gained a bit of weight and though it didn't bother me, truly, he felt terrible.

What he's appreciated through all this is that I was there for him. And once he got over some of his internal struggles, he became interested in sex again. But HE had to come to that point. No amount of persuasiveness on my part could've done it.

I know that any dry spell seems like ages but I like taking the long view. What's a year or two in a space of 50 years or more? In the meantime, I think you're doing all of the right things and urge patience. It's hard but it is worth it.

Coming back to this thread: I feel just like Curious now.

It's a cycle at our house.

I'm so tempted to just shove a little blue pill and a glass of water in front of him. that's not an answer.

I'd like to try tantric loving: goalless sexiness. Have I got that right?

I also bought some naughty cool lingerie and never got to wear it. Yet. Life-stuff just got in the way.

Kudos you guys. You are the best. Loving, understanding, sensible, smart, and generous.

Have to go have a good cry now. Then go sit on MrR's face when he comes home from work.

Laters.

quote:

I'd like to try tantric loving: goalless sexiness. Have I got that right?

i know i'm going to catch a bunch of flack for this....but i think the whole tantric thing is a cop out, and a bunch of crap.

the face setting, however sounds a bit more to the point, and more than likely the desired result.

Oh ajay you are going to have to try harder than that to wind me up...

Face setting??

Ok, I haven't asked for sex all year. After hubs and I had our talk I thought I'd back off and not pressure him at all. I sent him a text asking if he wanted a bj or more today and, bad timing, he has a huge deadline he has to meet and he can't sneak home for a bit. He did, however agree to have some fun real soon. I'm ok with not having sex in a long time because I know this is just temporary. Hubs self esteem is so low these days with $ troubles and work stress and my health. Any suggestions on how I can help him see how wonderful he really is?

Its not going to be a one time thing -- you have to work on him a little at a time. A special dinner here, a love note note of encouragement, ... a quick email (keep it clean if you are sending it to work because no corporate email is private) -- A small gift (chocolate bar, special coupon, etc.)

small steps -- Positive reinforcement -- always positive -- daily -- you will need to spend a lot of time and be creative.

Good Luck.
MJ

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