My wife and I share our fantasies frequently, and I'd like to help her try a few of them. Unfortunately, she's got low self-esteme, and is afraid of what other people might think, while I'm of the opinion that the whole point of fantasies is to try them.

One of her fantasies is to have a threesome, and she's even been asked (by one of the people she fantasizes about) if she could join us.

What can I do?

Ok, these are my quick rules for three-ways with your spouse. (Not that my spouse and I have tried them, but just from my previous experience)

1.) Have a totally perfect relationship.
2.) Do you have #1 if not, work on it until it becomes perfect.
3.) Make sure the third wheel isn't going to interfere with #1, and would be just as happy if it was only a one night thing.
4.) At least one of you should sleep with the prospective third wheel before the culmination of the fantasy. It's much easier for three when at least one of you is at ease with the naked stranger.
5.) Enjoy.

hth,

I tend to strongly disagree with number 4 there Scrod. Sleeping with the 3rd party on your own isn't part of the 3some fantasy or deal that you sign on for when planning to add another person to the mix. Yes, it would and could make things easier or more comfortable for the 3some, but it's not really acceptable in my opinion since that more or less constitutes cheating.

One major word of caution for you MWSIE- be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. As Scrod alluded to, adding a 3rd wheel can very easily make the other wheels fall off so tread lightly with this situation.

I think you're going to hear from most people on here that if she's not into making it happen for *whatever* reason then it's not worth risking hurting her self-esteem even more and possibly ruining your marriage over. I know I have a whole ton of fantasies that I would certainly be tempted to try and make happen if common sense didn't tell me to keep them in the fantasy folder, ya know? Some things just aren't right for everyone. I'm sure you can help her with the self-esteem though just by making her feel like she's the only love goddess you'll ever need.

Whatever the case, welcome to the boards easy lover!

S

Gotta agree with Buckshot about #4. It'd have to be her in the sleep-with role. (Sure, that's one of *my* fantasies , but again, don't know what I could do to convince her it's ok.) I definitely don't want to push her into anything. That'd be pretty much guaranteed to go badly.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <MyWifeSaysImEasy>,

I have some fantasies that I have absolutely zero interest in actually playing out. They need to stay firmly and permanently in the fantasy cupboard. Some other ones could be fun though. Try to make sure you know which is which with your parner before you go about trying to fulfil.

To me a fantasy is just that - a fantasy... Like S. I do not see any reason to turn my fantasies into reality - lord I'd probably get locked up if I tried to recreate ome of them!

MWSIE give thanks that your wife is wiling to share her fantasies with you, many women don't feel comfortable enough to do so. Let her set the pace, if she wants to make one of her fantasies reality and you feel good about it great, until then focus on letting her know she is the centre of your world and that you don't need anyone else in your relationship to make you happy.

quote:

Unfortunately, she's got low self-esteme, and is afraid of what other people might think, while I'm of the opinion that the whole point of fantasies is to try them.

Thoughts:

1. Sounds like trouble.

2. I don't think fantasies need to have a "point". Lots of fantasy is best left in fantasy-land.

3. Take an honest look at what you're doing, on a daily basis, to enhance you wife's self-esteem. Pushing her into a three-way so you can fuck another woman isn't likely to maker her feel special, loved, cherished, adored.

4. Scrodpuppy's advice #4 is awful. (Sorry Scrod. Just my opinion.)

quote:

Originally posted by FlyGuy:

quote:

Unfortunately, she's got low self-esteme, and is afraid of what other people might think, while I'm of the opinion that the whole point of fantasies is to try them.

Thoughts:

1. Sounds like trouble.

2. I don't think fantasies need to have a "point". Lots of fantasy is best left in fantasy-land.

3. Take an honest look at what you're doing, on a daily basis, to enhance you wife's self-esteem. Pushing her into a three-way so you can fuck another woman isn't likely to maker her feel special, loved, cherished, adored.

4. Scrodpuppy's advice #4 is awful. (Sorry Scrod. Just my opinion.)

I totally agree. Fantasies are not necessarily there to be acted out. Fantasizing about things, for me, is a safe way to explore things in my mind with people or situations that would likely never happen for whatever reason.

If she's already got low self esteem, it is doubtful that adding another person in the mix will make her feel better about anything. Threesomes are tricky business, and if things are questionable for her to begin with... that's just asking for more trouble.

I'll second FG's suggestions to enhance your wife's self esteem. Maybe work on some of her other fantasies, and not just jump on the one that brings other people into the game.

Ok, I seem to have gotten us hung up on one particular fantasy. I only intended that as an example, not as the only target. Bad phrasing on my part, aparently.

The general issue is an irrational fear of 'what other people would think'. (She's the one who calls the fear irrational.) I'm looking for help on figuring out how to help her get past that fear.

Talk Talk Talk Talk and then Talk again, and again and again and again (get the point and begging is not talking ) Hear her side, find a comprimise, reasearch it out together, let her make the rules and set the boundies. She has to be comfertable with it or it will not work.

About what other people would think - Start small and private. Make sure no one else knows.

quote:

The general issue is an irrational fear of 'what other people would think'.

(1) What other people think about what?

You're encouraging this with someone your wife knows. She's probably worried that the story would get out. People talk. A reasonable concern. Those who don't share your viewpoint would judge your wife very harshly. She'd have to live with that. Would that make your wife feel good? In addition, should things go poorly, sounds like your wife would have ongoing contact with this woman in the future. Would that make your wife feel good?

(2) What's irrational about that?

(3) What's more important to you: (a) That your wife feel secure and can hold her head high, or (b) that you live out this fantasy? Are you willing to risk (a) for (b)? If so, how much do you value your wife, really?

(4) Why do you suppose your wife has low self-esteem?

Put your wife first. Do what's in HER best interest. You'll have a lot better relationship, and sex that way. Just my $.02.

Sorry if it seems like people are jumping on you. Good for you for asking the questions.

Fly's right. You should tell her that's a totally rational and respectable concern.

I've been thinking about this a little more and I think I figured out what you're getting at Easy. Is it that you mostly want to help your wife get past her poor self image and then maybe if you do, getting to try out some fun fantasies will just be a yummy perk to having a hot wife who knows it? I hope that's what you're thinking.

What if you just put the fantasy stuff aside and let your wife totally take the wheel on it... even if you guys use it for dirty talk (just a little thought there). I'm guessing she knows where you stand. In the meantime, look for ways to make her feel loved and respected and beautiful (because I'm sure in your eyes that's exactly what she is). If she brings it up and wants to talk then listen and try and see her side and just leave it at that. I'm not sure if it'll get you any closer to that yummy manage, but I bet your wife will be one happy lady.

S

Does any of that help or even make sense?

While I personally think that my hubby (scrodpuppy) was trying to be funny (and kinda failed), I also think you should start off with some of her smaller fantasies, ones that DON'T include other people. I mean, who cares what other people think, or more importantly, why would they even know about it? Build up her confidence, and let her decide which fantasies she wants to fulfill, and which fantasies she wants to keep a fantasy. If she's into bondage, let her tie you up first, etc...

MyWifeSaysImEasy, don't mean to get all sanctimonious on you. Heck half the people here have thought about or done what you're thinking if not more. Think about this maybe:

(a) Talk about it while you fuck.
(b) Check out erotica / porn that depicts it.
(c) Find sex toys that simulate it.
(d) Visit a strip club together, distant city (so your wife doesn't have to worry about people she knows).
(e) Visit a club where there is "light" stuff going on & try just watching.

..... then on down ... fill in the blanks.... use your imagination here ..... to.... finally..... WAY down to....

(y) Having a three-way in your town with someone your wife knows.
(z) Moving to Utah.

Lots of possibilities. The ones up top are ones you can put back in a box, or just hop in the car and leave behind. Something to be said for that. It's the reason I often snorkle over scuba. 80% of the fun, 10% of the complications.

Didn't want to be all judgemental without sending some positive suggestions your way. Hope that sparks some ideas for you maybe. Good luck.