We are a heterosexual married couple in our mid-50's, interested in exploring the lifestyle and don't know where to start. Where might a middle-aged couple feel comfortable and not out of place in this world? Any suggestions, support, encouragement (literally - anything that would help us have courage!) most appreciated.

hey touch. not to sound dense. but which lifestyle? there are quite a few to touch upon ya know!

either way. please do elaborate.

cheers
Nigel.

Nigel I 'think' they mean swinging but who knows

I, too, would automatically assume swinging, but there ARE several connotations of the term "lifestyle" anymore.

There's swinging, polyamory, a combination of the two, BDSM and all of its subsets, and apparently the term "lifestyle" can even apply to those who like to use toys in their sex lives. That last one blew me away not too long ago...

What are you interested in, Touch of Gray? We've got experienced couples from every walk of life here, and some from every "lifestyle" as well. Ask away!!!

~Ang

sorry I wasn't more clear. I think we mean swinging, but I don't know what all the subsets are. we want to flirt and play with and tease other couples, but probably not 'have sex' with them (just w/ each other). we both have some exhibitionistic inclinations. we've never done anything like this before, so we're not sure. we want to explore and experiment. thanks for all the responses. I just read this first response from Celtic Frog, but I'll be reading all of them.

TOG here's a thread that may be of interest.


click

The "technical" term for what you've described is "Soft Swap", and it's actually a fairly common start to (or persistent status of) swinging for many couples.

Are you near any metro areas? Many large and medium cities have clubs where swinging in a casual comfortable atmosphere is possible. One club I've read reviews about on a different site has two separate sections; one for full swapping, and another for soft swapping to ensure each couples' comfort.

Are you wanting to meet another couple and become friends with them before you all are naked in front of each other? There are several websites devoted to swinging as a lifestyle and include profiles similar to those you'd find on dating sites.

Are you nervous that you might, as a middle aged couple, have a little flab or a few wrinkles? Most of us do worry about our own attractiveness to others, especially if our spouse married a smokin' hot bod that has gone through real life for the last however many years. The most important thing I've learned is that we ALL have imperfections. Swinging is a lot like dating (or high school dances) all over again - there's always the possibility of rejection. Then again, your desire to participate in soft swapping is likely a boon to you - if the only person you're fucking is your spouse, no one else has to decide whether there's an attraction there - only chemistry.

I've rambled on for a long while - I'll leave you for now with the thought that swinging can be an awesome experience, or it can be a miserable failure. It all depends on how well the two of you communicate and what attitude you bring to the table.

~Ang

ajay: thank you. It sounds like a great place for us to 'get our feet wet', so to speak. we just made a reservation!!
Celtic Frog: that you for all the thoughtful and very helpful info. We live right in L.A., in fact quite close to Freddy and Eddy's store. do you have any specific recommendations? is there a website that has reviews of different places?
thanks, ToG

Wow, I've never heard of "soft swap", sound interesting.

So is it just called group sex when a couple has sex in a place where lots of other couples are having sex? Or is there even a name for this? This is a major fantasy of mine, though I am not sure I would ever get my hubby to agree, I am still interested.

Okay, since I posted the above message, Mr and me have had some serious talks about it. Even went as far as to peruse the personal ads for "couple seeks couple". We found a great couple that we started corresponding with.

We are talking just soft swap, however she (of the other couple) is bi and though I am curious - I am terrified at the thought of it. Not that I wouldn't enjoy it, but I am scared I won't know what I'm doing. I've had plenty of experience taking it.... but would I know what to do when the roles are reversed?!? Please help me!

Another thing, and I want to speak to the couples who have done this - was there a connection from the start? Or did it come with time?

Weirdest question I have.... what happens after? Is it all awkward and strange?

Its getting late, so I will post more later. But I have many many questions to those of you who might enlighten me!!

quote:

I've had plenty of experience taking it.... but would I know what to do when the roles are reversed?!? Please help me!

Im surprised Ajay has not posted a response to this yet. He can probably come up with the perfect erotic video clip depicting exactly what happens when the roles are reversed.

Ajay?

quote:

Weirdest question I have.... what happens after? Is it all awkward and strange?

That is a great question. I would like to know how that feels also. Seems to me it would be a bit awkward.

Since our resident lifestyle members seem to be mum for the moment, I'll post up some second hand info from a friend.

The afterwards depends on the people involved. It can be awkward and weird or it can be completely mellow. It depends on your comfort level with the other party involved.

If you're cool with just hanging around chatting, you can snuggle up with some blankets or just hang loose and talk. I guess if I were to put a guess on it, if it were a one time thing and you didn't know the couple before hand, it would probably end with the outside couple just putting their clothes back on and exit stage left with few words expressed. If it were friends or people you were interested in know more, maybe changing into some comfy clothes and hanging out would be involved.

I guess the biggest determining factor is really based on your own level of comfort in the situation.

quote:

Posted 23 May 2008 07:39 AM Hide Post

quote:
I've had plenty of experience taking it.... but would I know what to do when the roles are reversed?!? Please help me!



Im surprised Ajay has not posted a response to this yet. He can probably come up with the perfect erotic video clip depicting exactly what happens when the roles are reversed. Wink

Ajay?

i'm looking.........

quote:

however she (of the other couple) is bi and though I am curious - I am terrified at the thought of it. Not that I wouldn't enjoy it, but I am scared I won't know what I'm doing. I've had plenty of experience taking it.... but would I know what to do when the roles are reversed?!? Please help me!

Not that I have much experience in the field, but what little experience I have indicates that when the moment comes you sort of guess/know/learn-fast what to do. Don't get panicky. Imagine you are making love to a mirror. Keep in mind the things you like and make you go gaga. In detail. Replicate "in the mirror". Watch for feed back. And stay relaxed. Have fun.

Phew! Hm. Collecting thoughts... stand by...

Okay, I'm going to speak to the connection thingy first. Because it's fresh in my head. And because - holy crap, I have bad grammar suddenly. Sorry about that.

Ahem.

In our experience, which is not by any means extensive (although for some reason people keep asking *me* for advice, what the heck? ) a connection can happen virtually at any point. Some connections are immediate and occur without ever meeting in person. Some connections really require some time to get to know the other person/people whether online or in person. Currently, I'm in a secondary relationship with a man who I was immediately attracted to only physically, and then after long talks (no walks on moonlit beaches or fireside cuddling - yet, lol) discovered an amazing cerebral attraction as well. I believe that unless you have red flags popping up at you, it's reasonable to give others a chance. If there is no connection on your part, don't force anything. How much time you are willing to allow before you decide it's too much is entirely up to you. Trust your instincts. It's not a race!

Hm. Collecting thoughts again... stand by...

Bicurious. Bi. Scared. Lack of experience. Okiedokie! Have you ever mentioned your lack of experience and combination of desire and trepidation for exploration? What do you think would be required of you in a situation where the possibility of said exploration came up?

Story time!

Recently, I was speaking with a friend of mine about how relieved I was that the wife of a couple Ranger and I are ridiculously interested in (see guy above) is so perfectly matched to my "level" of bi-ness. She asked what that was, to which I replied with the basic list of what I am most comfortable with and what I really don't want to have to do. If you were to gauge this friend's sexuality, she would say she's 90% lesbian and 10% straight. In reply to my quick and abbreviated list, she mentioned that the things I prefer not to do, she also prefers not to do. I was shocked beyond belief - my apparently misplaced expectations were that my least favored activity was a necessity among lesbians. Wow. Consider me edumacated. My point here is that you can explore your sexuality and potential bi-ness (biness? buyness? I need a better word) as slowly as you feel comfortable. Communication, as always, is big mondo importanto. Let her know you're a little nervous, intimidated, apprehensive, (insert more big words here) and especially if she is experienced with bisexuality, it's likely she'd be happy to help you explore - it could turn into a fun game as well - if the four of you were all in the same room, imagine the great tips you'd get from three directions! Just remember to do what feels right for you (and her - I mean, go figure) and you'll discover your preferences, your talents, your skills, your comfort level in your own sweet time. Don't rush yourself, but don't hold yourself back because of lack of experience.

I've said a lot. I've said very little at the same time. I'm around, although not very vocal most of the time. Keep asking questions!