Whee! For my first trick...
Um, er... I mean... well...

Why is it that communicating about sex can be so difficult for some couples?

I heard once in a class that if you communicate well in your relationship, you can communicate well about sex. I disagree. Talking about mundane things versus talking about sex is like explaining simple mathematics versus calculus to a toddler.

J and I have a hard time talking about sex. Recently I discovered it wasn't just me being chicken shit about it, but him too (IMHO). The problem is, we have no real ideas on how to communicate more regarding our sex life. It's not like the usual 'tips' for communicating more work that easily when it's sex you're talking about, and many of the usual tips for talking about sex that we've gotten have been utter flops simply because those tips assume we're not white-knuckled nervous.

So here's my spiffy first how-to thread. (Be warned, there will be many more to come, and eventually you may rue this day)

How do you initiate much-needed communication, especially regarding sex, with your equally nervous/tightlipped partner?

~Ang

Hey Frog --

There is no easy answer. My boy and I are both pretty shy when it comes to talking about sex, even after years together. It takes courage and a hell of a lot of trust in your partner, event to talk about things that might seem ho-hum and mundane to others. If there's somethine we want to talk about, it usually happens *after* we've made love, so the idea has a little time to sink in without immediate pressure. For instance, I wouldn't say "I'd love it if you would blindfold me" while we're in the middle of foreplay -- I would say "How would you feel about blindfolding me sometime" when we're cuddling in the aftermath.

We have a lot of awkard moments talking about sex, and we do a lot of blushing. But we persevere and have a great sex life because of it. Contrary to what seems reasonable, it hasn't got much easier over the years.

One thing we never do is write letters or email, etc. If I can't bring myself to talk about it in person, I don't talk about it. This may be different from what other people will recommend, but it ensures that we keep our sex conversations face-to-face, just like we keep our sex (figuratively, at least. I like it from behind if we're going to get literal).

Good luck,

dp

I think it's kinda funny actually, but the wife and I actually talk about sex rather frequently. Mostly due to the fact that I'm constantly trying to figure out why she so regularly dislikes the idea of having sex. go figure. So, contrary to popular belief, us talking about sex does not make it happen any more often.

We are no as adventurous when it comes to talking about being romantic and special mind you! both of us are bumbling fools when it comes to romances. I try doing something sweet and I generally comes off looking like an ass.

Anyways I'm rambling and it's 3AM so I'm off to bed...I hope I made SOME sense. :P

I talk about sex A LOT but when it comes down to telling a guy what I like and dislike its a little harder although it has gotten easier for me since I became more comfortable in my own skin. Me n the cowboy have had quiz time when we are snuggling when we ask would you ever do this, I've heard people do this have you ever thought about it.
SOmetimes though I just do things and afterwards get told please don't do that again.
SOmetimes though when you boys do things that seems like to you didn't come off romantically us girls sometimes think it's kinda cute that you try so hard. And yes us girls do talk about it , it helps to have a girlfriend ooh and ahhh that he took the effort to do something whether it worked or not

So what I've gotten from this so far is that I'm not that far off from 'normal' so far as sex talk is concerned. The biggest problem is in talking about the less vanilla of ideas for me.

I like the idea of making sure talk is face to face, but I also don't think that's one that will work as well for me as it does for other people. I wish it did, but since my brain shuts down when I am speaking, I can end up having said some really dumb things. When I'm typing or writing, my brain can keep up with what I'm saying and I can also edit what I've said if it doesn't come out right. Not that I edit often enough, but that's a whole different story!

The most successful attempt I've made at 'introducing' any new play into our sex life has been emailing him links to specific web sites that talk about it.

That, and just buying the love swing without telling him, since we had both kind of oohed and aahed about it before. Hey, it was a great deal, what can I say?

Still, what generally frustrates me the most is my lack of ability (or motivation, or something) to bring up what I liked (or didn't like) about the event in the post-coital cuddling phase. I'm always afraid to say I didn't like something in case I might hurt his feelings, and I'm also afraid to say what I did like in case he didn't and will then think I expect him to do it all the time or something.

Yep, that's me... one big bundle of insecurities.

~Ang

Hey Frog --

I know what you mean about hurt feelings, and I rarely tell the boy that I didn't like something. I ALWAYS tell him if I did like something, then ask how he felt about it. If your boy is anything like mine, just knowing that you like a certain trick or game will get him turned on.

If the boy tries something I don't like, I will either stop him or show him how he could improve his technique. Although society seems to perpetuate the notion that guys only want to get off, most of my sexual experience indicataes that what guys really want is to see their partners writhing with pleasure because *that's* what gets them off. I used to be uncomfortable with getting more than I gave, but now I understand that my *getting* is *giving* as far as he's concerned. Does this make sense?

As such, the best thing I can do for our sexual relationship is to be honest about the stuff I find really hot. Its rare (but not unheardof) that the boy will choose not to indulge me.

He works a lot harder to please me in bed than I work to please him, and we're both comfortable with that because we're both satisfied with it. I do, however, give him a 'no questions asked' blowjob now and then just to show that I do appreciate it. I love to do it on my knees just when he gets out of the shower, wearing his bath robe!

dp

here, here! Freddy!!! I agree fully. And it's nice to know that it works to be open and communicate. Means that the wife and I have a chance!

My sex life at the moment is..lacking. But, the wife and I do try to keep the communication open. She knows I'm a lot more interested then her, and she is fully aware that we need to do something to bring us closer together again on a physical level.

We are not rushing things, even though my frustration boils over at times. And so does hers, especially on those ocassions when I pester incesantly. Or simply roll her over at 4am in the morning! :P But we are both trying hard to figure things out while being honest to each other about how we both feel.

As for when to communicate your feelings. Do it whenever you feel MOST comfortable. Also remember that, as you and your partner become more vocal about what you feel and want. You will find it comes easier and easier to talk about things.

As for not liking something, trust me..it might make your man feel a bit down when you tell him that he sucks at something, but do tell him! There is nothing more embarassing to me then to find out by accident that something I did to the wife that I thought she would like was a real turn-off. But when she tells me there is an issue, she always tells me what I did do right and how THAT made her feel. In the end the small moment of embarasment is soothed over and we go on to doing the stuff I know she likes. :P

Regarding things you want to try, that you worry he's not going to understand. well that comes with time, start with the small things. Tell him how and were you like him kissing you for example! Or what possitions you like best..etc.. And you will find that as you continue to talk about the small things in your sex life the bigger, wierder, funnier stuff becomes more and more common place. Until one day you can comfortably tell him that you want to be tied up and spanked...or whatever it is that gets you the most excited when your dreaming in the dark. :P

And I also think in MANY cases the men tend to be more adventurous..not always mind you. My experience lend me to believe that, but then again my sex drive has ALWAYS been a LOT higher then any of the women I've spent time with. So my perspective might be a bit off! :P

Penguin: Your boys a lucky guy. I only ever get wet towel whipped as a surprise, when getting out of the shower! :P

O.

Damn you and your being right.

The best point you made is that it's worth it. And yes, it is difficult because it's worth it. I think the difficulty is directly proportionate to the worthiness of 'it'.

I checked out the blog you linked to and now I'm glad I have one of my own set aside for just sexual matters. I figure if I can get it off my chest online, then I can revisit it and try to come up with a solution instead of dwelling on whatever issue is at hand, if you'll pardon the pun.

It's also easier to vent about the little things online and get them out so they don't come up as much in a real discussion. I can read them and see how petty they really are, or I can watch for a pattern creating itself.

I guess I'll just have to persist, despite the fact that lately I've been so tempted to just throw up my arms and say, "I QUIT!"

Maybe it's harder with our combined PTSDs, but with all the studying and work we've done on that you'd think we'd be better suited for communication. Nahhhhhh.

At least there is one thing that I know for sure: I can only work on myself and my communication skills. If his follow suit, that's great, but I cannot change him. That's his job.

(lookit me, being all mature)

Jist yew wotch - I is gunna kumewnikayt betur wun uv deez deyz.

~Ang

I know my wife is going to weigh in on this one tonight, so I'll be curious to see what her take is on all this.

OK, now that I've been defibrillated after seeing that Celt actually agreed with me on something (inside joke, folks), I'll just clarify that persistance is the best course, but not to the point of compromising TOO much of your own goals/desires/etc. This doesn't just apply to sex, obviously, but I can tell you (as fucked up as this is going to sound) that I would have been willing to give up my marriage had there been no light at the end of the tunnel (which can only be determined after LOTS of attempts at communicating). A decent sex life (which should derive from intimacy, by the way) is one of the important components of most marriages and I wasn't willing to sacrifice that need of mine for the sake of stability/kids/subbornness. I would not have expected her to do so either, had the shoe been on the other foot.

That said, committed couples should be willing for work DARN hard before throwing in the towel. And, not to sound like a broken record, a great sex life comes from depth, trust, and love, NOT from skinny bodies, supplements, big cocks, sexy lingerie, or crazy looking sex toys. One of our favorite books, Passionate Marriage , by David Schnarch, PhD argues this very effectively. And while all of these aids can be a fun way to spark things, it's the former that will give you the most satisfying sex of your life. It's why I continue to look at my wife and think, "Shit, how in the world did such a hottie find her way into my bed?!!!"

And I'd be willing to match the sex I have with my wife against ANYONE in terms of heat, passion, and fun!

Aw... it's not like it's always been THAT bad, geez. I've always been willing to admit when you're right, albeit reluctantly.



I think an important point is each person's definition of 'decent sex life'. We have seen here that not every person is as sexually charged as, say, their next door neighbor. A very important thing to do for one's self before committing to any rash decisions is to determine what exactly is 'decent' for them. What is shit, what is great, what is...

I say this because our sex life could easily go on forever just the way it is and I wouldn't be unhappy with it. Communication would make it better. The two of us feeling comfortable enough with each other to explore more than we already have (I guess we must be doing something right, because our sex surely isn't always vanilla) would be GREAT. Learning more about communication techniques and sex in general will be part of what I am doing to encourage that growth.

Persistance is something I can do. And will do. The new mantra?

It's Worth It. < !--color-->

~Ang

AAAAAAAAHHHHH! I just lost my original post, and I'm pissed!

Deeeeeeep Breaaathe!!!!!!

Let's try this again, shall we?

Sniff* Sniff* I think I'm going to cry. A topic that is true to my heart and the basis of this very website.

Communication is what makes us human, and what makes us strive toward a successful relationship. I believe that communication is one of the hardest part of keeping a relationship alive. And communicating about sex is probably without a doubt the number one ticket that we all suck at. As Freddy said previously, you are all looking at the creation on how we dealt with our problem of not communicating about sex, or lack of it in the early years of having our first child. I often wonder if our society was more open about sex and not so "Sex is only for procreation, otherwise it is Sin", would we all not be so screwed up regarding communicating about sex. All of the posts here tell me we are on the right track though.

Communicating about sex with your partner is HARD, so how do we do it? Some people like myself are pretty blasa about it, so it takes the more agressive personality of the two to use a blow horn to get your attention. I'm pretty laid back and am comfortable in doing the same thing day in and day out, well that gets boring! It took Freddy to actually pick an arguement with me to make me see his frustration about the lack of sex. As time and this website evolved, we found out a lot about each other's wants and desires. We are very open to a lot of things and sex is one of them. So just the mention to watch a porn led us to go out together to rent one. I have no problem going to the "Only 18 and older" section of the video store. But I have always been "one of the boys" kinda gal. Nothing really embarrasses me (except cheapness!) The key is that we did it together and talked about it. Another way to add to communicating with your partner and for them to see what you desire, is to plan a dinner date and then visit a relationship enhancement store together. If you live in a big Metropolitan city, the sex shops like Hustler are so main stream now that you wouldn't need to hide behind sunglasses. Hell, our Hustler Club has a dinner show with it! O.K., it might not be the best for everyone, so the beauty of the internet is to go on sites and look together at toys, books, clothing, ect. TOGETHER. Amazing enough, when we first started this site, it was pretty much visited by 90% men, and I proudly say that today it is visited by at least 40% of girlfriends and wives of a lot of those first time men visitors. Hearing that a lot of you communicate after sex is great. I agree that you definately need to tell your partner what he or she did was great or what he or she did that you didn't like. The more comfortable you get with each other's bodies and likings will just make the communications flow easier. Just keep talking!

Well after 30 years of marriage, 4 kids, 1 grand, well you just get into a rut. AFter our last child was born 9 years ago we knew we had to make some changes, date night-every week no matter what. The kids know this is our night and do not whine to come along. We have a 2 story house so we moved our bedroom upstairs away from the kids rooms, remodeled the room to grownup tastes-. We use the date night for talking about whatever without interuptions.It is hard to have husband, kids, work, house, bills, life in general and keep it all on an even keel without feeling worn out!

We had a very big ruckus happen in our realtionship this past January, it was then that our communication changed. It was open up or run the other way, we both worked overtime to get things going in the right direction.

WE are intimate with each other-not just sexually, little touches, we always hold hands when we are walking even if it is just from the car to the store. Kissing just to kiss, a little butt squeeze, a little back rub. Little connections like this make us feel loving toward each other.Plus we think it sets a good example for our kids to see that their parents love each other and are not shy about showing it.
Something that works very well for us is sending each other little notes, especially when we want something new in the sex department. Or talking after sex, warming up for next time for what we will try.
Communication-you have to work on it all the time and try to make it a natural part of your relationship. It is hard sometimes, but so worth it.
Honey

Hey, Honey, long time no see!

Did you take over the entire upper floor?? Dang that would be nice... You can keep a swing up all the time then!! woohoo!

My kids are still a little on the young side so we just drop something heavy in front of the bedroom door!

I agree, all those little touches are needed. I know for the wife and I it's whats keeping us on an even keel while we muddle through the sex issues. She just has to grab my ass EVERY time we are in the suppermarket..it's like her favorite thing...then again the fact that I make a scene every time probably helps keep that little bit happening! hehe

O.

I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not, but it seems in our marriage (which, granted, is *only* three and a half years old) we sometimes get so lax in our communication skills that it takes a major miscommunication and a subsequent ruckus (I love that word!) to get us communicating again. How many times can I write communicate in one paragraph?

Seriously, I am hoping that we never have a major miscommunication regarding our sex life. Even if it would jump start talking. Hopefully with a little extra motivation here and there (after all, I DID just purchase a love swing) we'll be able to ease into it gradually so we never get too lax about it.

And I think it's awesome that you hold hands so often. After Alekz was born, we held hands so much less because they were full with him and then we fell out of the habit almost completely. We're starting to get back into the habit now that Alekz wants to walk everywhere, so we all hold hands. Your tale makes me that much more determined to get those little things back in our life.

~Ang