Hi All,

Im a newbie here... just wanted some tips if you can on how I can get my partner more interested in sex? Im a 28 y.o slim attractive woman and I love sex but my partner doesnt have anywhere near the drive I do. He and I have only been together for one and a half years and already there is a horrible pattern emerging. He doesnt like to play anymore, its become really 'goal' orientated. Im all for a quickie but when thats all I get all week Im tearing my hair out here! I take longer to reach orgasm than his last girlfriends and I need to use toys so I think he gets sick of waiting for me to 'finish'... Ive never felt like I had to rush before like I do now.

We ran out of condoms a few days ago and so I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to play and please each other without him reaching for the condom after 5 seconds... but he wasnt interested. I tried again tonight - same deal, even after I explained I just wanted to play.

I love my partner but I am getting so frustrated and I have told him so but he just tells me he has a lower sex drive - actually jokingly says Im a nymphomaniac. Which I dont hink is true, I could happily make love 2 or three times a day but once every 2 days or so is fine also.

I tried showing him a website with costumes and lingerie (trashy) and asked if he'd like any of them on me - he just said the fairy outfits would be great on some models for photos he wants to take in the rainforest soon (he's a photographer). Which left me really hurt.

Im feeling so rejected but he says its just a difference in sex drives - what should I do????

Thanks all,
Carrie

Hi Carrie,
Nice to have another Aussie here
Just a thought is your partner on any medication like blood pressure tablets because that could be his problem for the low sex drive?
I was going to suggest some sexy lingerie or maybe some dvd's,what happens when you walk around scantily clothed does he get excited and want sex?
I hope things pick up for you Carrie come back and let us know how things are going.

quote:

Originally posted by Carrie:

I tried showing him a website with costumes and lingerie (trashy) and asked if he'd like any of them on me - he just said the fairy outfits would be great on some models for photos he wants to take in the rainforest soon (he's a photographer). Which left me really hurt.

Im feeling so rejected but he says its just a difference in sex drives - what should I do????

Thanks all,
Carrie

Ouch! This would really hurt my feelings too.

If you think he's actually worth it, then one thing you might try Carrie is just not mentioning anything about sex for a week or two - maybe see if that doesn't build a little tension. I know I can get on tangents and talk one subject into the ground until D is so sick of hearing about it that the last thing he actually wants to do is it...If that makes any sense.

Good luck!

Welcome on board, Carrie!

I really have no business giving advice here, since I have weathered through over 20 years of libidinal mismatch with my husband, sadly, without resolution of our differences. I still feel we aren't partners in bed, though there are other aspects of our marriage which are worthwhile to me.

He, too, has always been king of the quickie. Also, has had little interest in seductive play or anything other than wham-bam-thank-you-m'am. Now that his health has robbed him of the opportunity to execute wham-bam, there's absolutely nothing sexual between us.

You are young, and it sounds like you aren't settled in with children as of yet. I suggest making a serious effort to deal with your differences because in my experience, they tend to get worse not better as you get older. Hate to be so pessimistic, but think you need to decide how important a vigorous and imaginative partner is to you.

Hi Carrie, welcome aboard. We have some friends who are just splitting up after 20 years together. The reason? She wants sex and he doesn't. This seems completely weird to me as I've always been under the assumption that it's guys who always want sex and women who have the lower sex drives. However, I think this is misguided, obviously, as you are experiencing the same thing.

I'd like to say there's some magical way to reignite things, but unless your partner WANTS to work on improving the situation, it'll only get worse and worse. In our friends' case, he's in horrible shape and sporting a giant beer gut (and smokes and eats horribly), while she's totally hot and just hitting her prime in her 40's. I'd totally "do" her if I didn't already have a total hottie next to me and I think she's just done trying to coax him into sleeping with her. And this after 20 years!

I don't think it's actual sex that's missing from many relationships so much as intimacy. Intercourse is only one small part of a healthy sex life that begins with the first "I love you" in the morning, progresses through sexy e-mails, text messages, and phonecalls during the day, then culminates with mutual respect and respectful treatment into the evening. You do these things because you genuinely feel compelled by your emotions to do them. Sexual contact derives from such actions and emotions. Lose the spirit in which sexual feelings develop and you lose the sex.

I think you may want to consider putting an ultimatum to your dude; work to improve things and come up with a compromise or you're moving on. You're far too young, Carrie, to get locked into a situation like this. Suggest counseling.

You did not mention his age, but even so, if he were 15 years your senior there does seem to be something wrong (barring a medicinal or external realtionship issues). As Freddy mentioned, I too have a hard time believing that a man can loose interest in his wife/other after such a short period of time.

My best advice is that you are going to have to discuss the matter, if that does not help then I would have to be seeking out another. A relantionhip for me is 1/2 in the bedroom and 1/2 in the living room, if either of those fails then it's all coming down. What happens in the bedroom spills over into the living room.
Intimate sex enjoyed betwwen two people is the foundation of a strong loving relationship. I think most would agree.

Hi Carrie:

I agree with Anouk and Freddy's points, you are young, attractive, and unmarried. You should feel pretty compatible. Don't compromise too much now.

One thing that would concern me is your boyfriend seems to either want to ignore the problem or blame you. You're a nympho, his previous girlfriends orgasmed sooner, etc. Defensiveness and blaming (rather than working together to fix) may spill over into other areas and don't bode well. We're only hearing part of the story, and I don't mean to criticize your boyfriend. I'm sure he has his side too. More something for you to think about.

Here are excerpts from a couple of books on choosing partners. The first is "Are You the One for Me?" by DeAngelis. Points 1 & 2 on p. 131 made me think of your situation. She also echoes Ms. Pear's advice on p. 132 ("Stop rowing the boat so hard...") which sounds like good advice if the relationship is otherwise great, and it's a minor/passing problem. For what it's worth.

DeAngelis_p130-132.jpg (279 KB, 23 downloads)

Here is an excerpt from "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. His main point is that the right person for you is someone you can be yourself with, and you don't have to try too hard to change.

MiguelRuiz_p76-77.jpg (270 KB, 24 downloads)

First of all, Carrie, welcome!

As just about everyone else so far has said, there's no instant cure for your problem. It's going to take time and commitment from both of you in order to get this relationship back online. One of my close friends is in a similar situation with her guy right now; she's only 19, so I know that this problem has nothing to do with age unless your man is much older than you are.
There is absolutely nothing abnormal about your sex drive or the fact that it takes you a bit longer to orgasm than his previous girlfriends, so rest assured that you're not a nympho. If his dip in libido is only a recent occurrence, it could be due to stress, for example a new job, lots of work, family issues, or any number of things that could be interfering with his sexual desire. He also could feel a bit intimidated by your toys, and he might figure that if the toys get you off, then why do you need sex with him? Try to get him to use the toys on or with you and he'll feel more involved and necessary, and in some cases that's all that is needed to bolster his confidence and his sex drive.
You say that you love him, and if you are both certain about your relationship, then it's time to talk about it frankly and honestly. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel when you try to get him interested in sex and he makes comments about his models. Don't try to guilt-trip him, but be open about your feelings and give him a chance to do the same. Continue to love on him and do your best to enhance the relationship both in and out of the bedroom. A good relationship requires more than just good sex, but sex is a part of the natural progression of a loving relationship. Try things to appeal to his interests, such as arranging a "photo shoot" with you posing as his model, perhaps in the nude. Or find a common interest that you have and spice it up.
I would also recommend the advice Ms. Pear gave about not talking about it for a week or two. Perhaps that will pique his curiosity and encourage him to make some advances of his own toward you. He may just feel that he is being nagged, and the sudden change in your behaviour might spark his interest again.

I wish you the best of luck!

Why have intercourse when he reaches for the condom? You controll the situation and you needent have intercourse once the condom goes on. So perhaps let it beknown that no intercourse until you're done.

Also remember that for a LOT of men that condom is the only security that we truly feel to be able not to get a girl pregnant. RU on the pill? Depo Shot? Make sure he knows that. And if not .. you shouldn't be playing with out a condom anyway.

I have read the first post in this thread several time and I have to say what has impressed me is not the difference in "sex drive" between you and your boyfriend, but the fact that he does not care a bit about:
a) your pleasure (only quickies?!)
b) your feelings (comments about model, remarks like the nimpho thing etc)

I have to say (may be I am a bit harsh) that no medical issue he may or may not have justifies this kind of treatment. It is not a matter of physical performance but of respect and affection in the first place.
One cannot judge a relation from the cursory description of a few episodes, but it sounds to me like something very important is missing here.

Snowflake, once again you've hit the nail right on the head again and said what everyone else was thinking but couldn't find the right words to say! Excellent point!

No real opinion on this one, I mean it's all pretty much been said... just wanted to say hi and welcome to the asylum, medication will be dispensed at breakfast and bedtimes. Any complaints or concerns may be addressed to the Director of Health and Welfare... Mr MonkeyPants. Enjoy your stay and please feel free to ignore most of my mindless ramblings.

~Ranger

The Lady is right! I totally agree with Snowflake. Could have not said it any better, something else is going on.

I disagree with the assertion that "he does not care about your pleasure and your feelings"

There are a multitude of reasons why a man will turn away from sex with a woman. And they needed be so malicious. Stress, Other relationship issues, other personal criticism, I know because I've done em all.

I like Ms Pear's idea of laying off for a while. I also like the idea of after that laying off period (not during) working on communication. Also, perhaps during that lay off period you should not be open to sex with him. A lot of it for many men is the chase. Perhaps he now feels he doesn't have to chase.

I fear that often our culture tells people a toy, a dvd, lingerie etc… will fix the problem. In my mind those things are supplements at best and temporary band aids at worst. There is something deeper going on for him and it is essential to understand that first.

Just remember most of sex life is mental. Examine his mental state and from that try to understand how to approach him about it. And if he is still with you, you can count on it probably not being about you. It is him and something going on with him. Be patient with him, he'll love you more for it.

And the perpetual advice of communication, communication, communication. Just don’t push on him too hard or he might break.