For those of us in long-term relationships (I think that�s most of us?) many times after we�ve settled into a relationship we think, "Oh, he knows I love him, he knows I think he�s great", etc, and no longer think of new and creative ways to express how we feel. Just as the physical side of a relationship can get boring and routine if we don�t make a conscious effort to keep it new and fresh, the emotional side can too. I believe the physical and emotional sides have a symbiotic relationship. In other words, the state of one (whether good or bad) has a strong effect on the other.

Anyone who has read my previous post, "Intro and Help Please . . . " knows I�m struggling with my husband�s desire for sex not matching my own. I�m a big believer in looking inward before looking outward, and have spent a lot of time contemplating what *I* can do to make the situation better. I also think sometimes little changes can lead to big results. I was focusing so much on sexual things to get sex, but upon further consideration believe that focusing on things that are not overtly sexual could have a big impact on his libido. Especially since he has this "performance anxiety" thing. Maybe I�ve been putting too much pressure on him, no matter how gently I�ve tried to go about it. So I�ve decided to focus on making my husband feel deeply loved and desired, plus try to put a little more peace and fewer (specifically, sexual) demands in his life. The replies I�ve received to my original post have really gotten me thinking (Thank you so much!), and here are some of the things I�ve come up with so far:

When I used to work (before kids) I always had my hair nicely styled, makeup, long painted nails, nice (and slightly sexy) business clothes. I had an interesting job as an executive secretary for a businessman whose name you all would recognize. Now it�s no makeup, hair pulled back in a ponytail, sweats and t-shirts, and discussions mainly revolving around what�s on sale at the grocery store and what the kids are up to . . . He�s never complained though I�ve specifically asked him numerous times if he does. But still . . . I�ve now made it a point to: Have my fingernails and toenails freshly painted. Put lotion on my skin *every* time I shower. Shave my legs more often. Dress in clothes a *little* sexier�low-cut, tight t-shirts, fitted pants instead of sweat pants; run a brush through my hair and apply a little powder, lip gloss and perfume before he gets home. Try to have the house picked up when he gets home. When he comes home put my arms around him, look him straight in the eyes and say, "I�m happy to see you," instead of glancing up from cooking dinner/caring for the kids/cleaning with a preemptory, "Hi, hon, how was your day?" Think of at least one thing every day that I admire/appreciate about him and tell him in a sincere way. Do my best to really focus on what he�s telling me instead of half-listening because I�m really not interested in the recap of last night�s game or the new budgetary demands at work. Even go so far as to ask him about those type of things before he mentions them: "Hey, who won the game last night?" "How did your meeting go today?" If it�s important to him, it should be important to me. I know I expect that from him, so I should be willing to return the consideration! Let him catch me leering at him instead of doing it surreptitiously. Throw out my old nursing nightgown and get something that�s comfortable (for me) *and* sexier (for him). Really splurge and replace my old 36C/size 8 pre-kids lingerie that is too uncomfortable and doesn�t look right anymore with some flattering stuff in my new, shaplier (ha, ha) size of 38D/size 12. Remind him often and in specific ways how sexy/strong/manly he is, how much I love him, and how lucky I am to have him. ("Mmm, I love the way you smell." (squeezing his biceps) "You have such strong arms. I love feeling that muscle right there.") Instead of grocery shopping with the kids in the middle of the day, a couple times a month do it in the early evening. Sure, it�s a lot more crowded, but it will give him a chance to come home and unwind in peace before we all descend on him. Do all these things without pointing out all the things I�m doing for him. ;-) Take a quiet minute or two each day to think about the things I love my husband for instead of the things I wish were different. I figure all the things I listed will take *maybe* an extra 10 minutes a day. I think that�s worth it!

Anybody else have anything you do or would like to do to make your mate feel special outside of the bedroom? I�d love to read your ideas. And men, I�d love to know if you think I�m on the right track here. I�ll post more of my own as I think of them, and when I have time I�ll do up one for you fellas sharing what would really make *me* feel special. I�m sure at least some of them would work for your woman too.

I�m going to start a separate thread of specifically sexual things I want to try to turn my husband on, and any input on that post would be most appreciated as well!

Sexymama

Hi there! I read your post, well soon after you posted it and am just now getting the chance to say hello. You've already met my husband, labatts and i just wanted to extend the welcome. I couldn't help be jealous of your sexual appetite and think that labatts wishes i was more alike. After reading your posts and insights and can't help but realize that i don't make sexual fulfillment a priority, not that I don't enjoy it, I just dont make the time. I also see that we've fallen into a rut and haven't tried anything new in a while, sure we have some toys, that need the dust wiped off of them and videos. But now as i'm approaching 5 1/2 mo. prego with twins, i'm not feeling very attractive and beautiful women in videos make me feel self conscious, like he's again wishing I was more like the big breasted (however i am now), size 3 sexpots. Sometimes i do enjoy the videos, but i guess right now we both just need a kick in the ass to make more of an effort. Anyway, sorry to bore you, but now that i've gotten myself started and the baby isn't screaming for me I thought I'd take the time to get some things of my chest. Any suggestions??

Now that the boy and I are back into the academic year our sex life has gone down the tubes, as it always does. Once a week is pretty good, and twice a week is fanfuckintastic. It's a sad state of affairs, but we both know that it happens and we don't get too worried about it -- it's the by-product of two poeple for whom their careers are a priority.

To get to the point: during these mad months we almost always plan sex. We're rarely in the house together for more than 8 hours a day (he teaches two nights a week and I have two night classes on opposite nights). So, on Tuesday I'll whisper in his ear something like 'at 10:00 Friday night, you're mine'. This means that we both get pretty worked up about it, and it results in some pretty hot sex. I'll also refrain from masterbating (sometimes) with that promise on the horizon, and so will he, so we're pretty darned horny by the time Friday night rolls around.

Just something I thought I'd pass along to other busy folk.

dp

Hello Nejjen. I finally get to meet the other half of Labatt. The better half?! I guess that the woman in me to be a bit more one-sided. Anyhoo, I'm so glad that you can use us to bounce things off. First, congrats on your two new bouncing babies via the womb! I think that all mothers out here know exactly where you are coming from. So before you do anything for your hubby, you got to do something for yourself. Go out and have a manicure/pedicure done, or go have a nice massage. They have specialized massages for pregnant women now. Go get a new hair "do". Just simple things can get you in such a great mood. Then you can plan a dinner date with Labatt. See if your relatives, friends or even another mom from one of your mommy and me groups can watch the little one for just a few hours, so that you two can catch up and be together. Give it a try.

Hi Nejjen! Thanks for the nice reply. Goodness! A baby and 5 months pregnant with twins? Bless you. My two youngest are 14 months apart so I can somewhat sympathize. I would say that if you are the one whose sexual appetite is not as high, maybe you should concentrate on what makes *you* feel sexy. It's true that, although I oftentimes didn't feel exactly sexy when I was pregnant, I never felt like more of a woman than I did then. To have the sacred privilege of carrying and nurturing a life (two lives!) inside of you is a joy that a man can never know. There's just something cosmic about it that's hard to explain. Take pride in yourself and your status as a woman.

You know, it's hard to make sex a priority when you've got one little one to care for and two more you're growing. I think I'm just now making my sex life a priority because my youngest is over a year old. Until he was about 10 months old, sleep was a much greater priority! LOL I posted earlier about what's the big deal about having a quickie if your husband wants one? Well, I should clarify that it can certainly be a big deal if that 10-15 minutes cuts into the hour and a half sleep you may get if you're lucky before you're awakened again by the babies, or to go to the bathroom, or because you just plain can't get comfortable!

Eddie gave you some good advice. Do what you can to help yourself feel well-rested and a little pampered. Enjoy the calm before the storm. Let Labbatts take the little one to the park for awhile so you can rest up and take a little time for yourself. Having a husband who goes out of his way to make your life easier and more pleasant can be the greatest turn-on of all! Let him take care of you when he offers. Find little ways to show your appreciation when he does. And give yourself a break (and make sure he does too!) if you don't feel very sexual at this point in your life. Just as a man can't understand the happiness of carrying a child, he also can't understand the discomfort, the heaviness, and the role those crazy hormones can play in supressing your desires!

The best advice I can offer you is, no matter what the status of your *sex* life, don't forget to nurture your *love* life. Let Labbatts know that he is still the man you love, that he is still important to you, that you appreciate him. And (Labbatts don't read this part!) as a mother you know what it is to feign extreme delight and enthusiasm for playing peek-a-boo for the hundredth time in the last five minutes. You do enjoy it somewhat because your baby gets such pleasure from it and you want to show him that you take pleasure in his delight. So do the same thing for Labbatts. Even if you're not so much in the mood, and those darn hormones can definitely keep you from getting more in the mood, show him a little more enthusiasm than you may be feeling, because you love him too and take pleasure in making him happy too.

Thanks again for your warm reply!

Sexymama

Poor Chance! It's not going to get boring for you hunny not ever!