this is embarrassing but i need help. i've been with my husband for 5 years, and to date i have yet to cum or have a real orgasm. don't get me wrong, the sex is good and the oral even better, but all i seem to be able to manage is a little clitoral spasm, kinda like a jumpy feeling. i don't know what i can do or what we can do together to improve our sex life, we really need help with this because its bringing our sex life down, i don't want to have sex because its not fair to him and he doesn't because he feels like he's not satisfying me. someone please help us!!!!!

For me, I can't orgasm from oral. Well, I could but it takes FOREVER!! I have the best luck with manual stimulation, when The Fella fingers me. But I think the most important thing is to not make sex about cumming. It puts too much pressure on everyone. If you relax and make it about experiencing each other. Not that orgasms aren't important, but if that's the only goal, the pressure can make that unattainable.

Do you masturbate? Do you have toys? These things can help too...

Sorry if this is rambling...It's to early for me to be really eloquent, I'll leave that to someone else...

There are three types of orgasms, clitorial only, vaginal only and finally g-spot.

It sounds like from your post, that our clitoris becomes too senstive or rather oversenstized. Not sure if you are having manual sex, oral and hand stimulation or using a toy.

If manual, I suggest a couple of things - try some stimulating gel - OhMy makes a great one and so does Liquid Sin. OhMy's is less expensive. What a stimulating gel does is rush the blood to the clitorial area so it enhances the opportunity for an orgasm.

Another option is to use a toy. Lily by Lelo is a great little toy with multiple speed settings. Also pick up a copy of Sadi Allison's Toygasm. It is a wonderful fun read and explains a variety of ways to achieve the ultimate goal of an orgasm.

Also please keep in mind, we as women do not have orgasm everytime we have sex.

Another areas to consider is what is going on in your head at the same time as having sex. Really an orgasm is 10% the body - 90% in the head. Imagine a fantasy of yours while in the process of coupling with your husband. Focus on the fantasy and it may push you over the edge so to speak.

Now about vaginal orgasms - they tend to be less frequent than clitorial in general. Again this is really about the mental thing and focusing during intercourse on the fantasy. What turns you one -- does your husband speak dirty to you during sex? Does he describe your fantasy to you or are you both listening to a CD with fantasies?

What about anal sensations?

g-spot -- it is my understanding from a variety of sex therapists that the most recent data suggests that a g-spot orgasm can only be obtained after having either a clitoral or vaginal orgasm. This can be accomplished with either a penis or a g-spot toy.

Positions - try a variety of positions that increase your arousal and erogenzous zone senstivities.

Last, do you both discuss the issue openly. Are you feeling pressure for performance? Are there other things going on in your relationship that could be affecting your performance or are you potentially experiencing performance anxiety?

Lovely, I hope this is helpful. Also, have you checked with your OBGYN to ensure that there isn't any physical problems, like FDS (female dysfunctional syndrom).

would you like to know how niave we are. we didn't even know about cumming until someone asked him if i did it. so that was never really an issue, just was curious why i never have. as far as putting my mind into the act, it's there. i learned long ago that if you can't focus on your partner it's not worth the time to make love or have sex. we have used toys before, but most of the time they hurt, even the little tiny ones. it's like there's almost too much sensation. orally its easier for me to handle, at least there is some pleasant sensation, but penetration usually just hurts. it usually takes a good 20-30 minutes before he can even really enter me without hurting because i won't stretch out enough to accept him. my obgyn says there's nothing wrong except for being built narrow, but it still sucks. see the problem? i think we've tried just about every trick in the book, trying to make it enjoyable for me. we're basically down to only having oral and that's no fun because i desire him inside me, it does feel good once we're past the point of entry, but nothing much comes of that good feeling.

Hi lovey, and welcome to F&E.

I have three things to say to you: masturbation, masturbation and masturbation. Until you know how to make yourself come, it will be very difficult for you to tell you husband how to make you come. Furthermore, sex with someone else is always complicated by your desire to give them pleasure, and it can be too easy to take your mind off yourself. Get some videos, some hot stories, some toys, some pictures...whatever turns you on. Lock your hubby out of the room and go to town . If masturbation hasn't been part of your sexual repetoire to date it may take you some time to let loose and feel comfortable, so don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to have an orgasm. Just play around and take your time. Touch yourself inside and outside, squeeze your nipples, find out what really gets you hot and bothered and sooner or later you'll be able to take yourself over the edge.

Scifi has a point about different orgasm types, but if you've experienced little spasms in your clit before, this may be the best place to start. If your clit is oversensitive (I know all about this) try rubbing just at the place where it meets your pubic bone, thus avoiding direct pressure on the sensitive head. This and a small, skinny dildo for vaginal (or anal -- yahoo!) penetration might do the trick.

I'm a big fan of masturbation, but an active mastubatory life *can* make a sexual partner feel left out or uneeded. Be sure that you communicate very clearly with your husband about your masturbation so that he knows it's an extension of yourself and your sexuality with him, not a replacement of him altogether.

Good luck!

dp

PS: I think the following link is an excellent read. Although it comes from a site designed for teenagers, the inforamtion and insight they provicde is very practical for any woman, especially if you consider yourself to be naive.

http://www.scarleteen.com/sexuality/response.html

Nicely put penguin

what if u didnt touch your self for a while and a few weeks or so u should have a an awsoem orgasm