I just had to break up with my girlfriend after 15 months together. We were in love, but she was sometimes emotionally and verbally abusive towards me so I had to do what needed to be done. Because of how this relationship panned out, I don't want to fixate on it or allow it to derail my progress as a person etc. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal effectively with a break up so there's no (or not much) baggage? I don't want to feel guilty, but I do.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: burnerthelearner,

Hi, Burner! I'm so sorry your relationship took that route, but you were very brave to do what you did. Many kudos to you, and of course, I wish you the best in the future

I don't have a lot of experience in this area, but I have witnessed plenty of break-ups of people close to me, both of "just dating" relationships all up through "committed and married" couples. I hope what I have to say is somewhat helpful.

I don't think you can avoid baggage completely. But, I do think it's up to you (to a degree, anyway) as to whether you have a giant suitcase or a small carry-on.

I think the amount of baggage depends on several factors: whether you learned anything about yourself and/or other people; whether you project your feelings about the opposite sex onto new romatic prospects based on this relationship; and how naturally resilliant you are.

If you learned something about yourself or others during this relationship, you can take that as a learning experience. For example, you learned that you have the courage to leave an abusive partner. I'd say that's a pretty big positive on your end! If you don't feel you learned something, then it may feel like an empty experience where time was "wasted" (although you were in love, so that's not too likely, but just throwing it out there). I have a friend who never learns what to stay away from (in her case, guys who are simply sleazy) so she keeps getting hurt and stacking up baggage. On the other hand, my BFF was with a guy who kept lying to her. They were together for several years until she broke it off with him. He said he'd changed so she got back with him for a few months, realized he was still a douchebag, and dumped his ass again. Now she's with an awesome guy who doesn't lie to her and she's now waiting for a proposal. If you learn something important from the experience, it makes you a better person.

Also, if you project your feelings about the opposite sex onto new romatic prospects based on this relationship in a bad way, that can definitely be classified as baggage. That same friend who dates sleazy guys is always suspicious of them now (even though she hasn't learned anything) and thinks all guys are after one thing. She just keeps taking her experiences from guy to guy, being labeled a basketcase. In your case, you may be (rightfully) suspicious of girls who maybe have personality traits similar to your ex's. Does that mean they're all going to be abusive? No, of course not, but you have to be careful not to project it on all other women. Maybe this is more of a girly thing that we do, I'm not sure.

One last thing, because I know I'm getting long-winded. Baggage depends on how naturally resilliant you are. Some people get over bad events faster than others for a variety of reasons. Some people are just naturally positive and bounce back quickly. Others have great support networks of friends and family members ready to listen. Both are important, but if you have neither or aren't too close to home (I remember you mentioned you were a college student), definitely talk to someone, be it a clergyperson or counselor. They can help you move on at a pace that is good for you. Also, exercise is a good natural antidepressant, so keep heading to the gym. And don't forget, you were with her for a good long time. It's natural to mourn the loss of the relationship, even though it wasn't the best experience for you. Feeling guilty is natural, too, but don't forget: you did the right thing.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Why feel guilty?
I always say that when deciding if a relationship should continue on, it is one of a few times when you must be completely selfish. Don't stay in it because of you as a couple or because of the other person. If you do, you're an idiot.

Stay in it because you give and get love. If you're missing one of those (like when you deal with verbal abuse) you leave. There's no guilt.

Get a hobby and be single for a while. Embrace it and enjoy living. Find what makes you happy and go after it.

I understand (partly) the feeling guilty reflex, but I agree (on every point) with JSG: don't.

Learn what is to be learned, but go straight ahead with your life. Don't look back. Throw away old things from your rooms (literally and metaphorically) and get something new and brightly coloured: Change your world a bit, make something new. Be angry and have fun. Don't moan over her or your lonely self. She is the one who should feel guilty, and you won't be alone very long (I think).

if you have talked about the problems with her and she continued, then there's no reason to feel guilty.

a relationship is a two way street. one partner can't do all the giving or compromising.

i gotta agree with the others burner. i think when all this is done and said. youll notice a difference in the last issue you posted as well.

move forward. count your blessings, as we all know. a lifetime with the wrong person. is truly a prison sentence. now you have new vistas to survey. enjoy it.

cheers!
N.

Not wishing to steal the thunder or advice of someone else- however, in need of similar advice.

The break up is coming up due to my emotional instabilities becoming more frequent and in order for anything to be kept healthy for a possible future together at all, I'm also moving back to my hometown.

My question is as follows- How do I get through this after being with someone, dependent on them almost for everything (except incoming money) and being in a very close relationship for 2.5 years? I wish to be mature about this and not do anything that (1) I will regret (2) will make the situation any worse and become happy again?..

Kathy

1.) get away from the situation ASAP

2.) talk to a professional councelor.

3.) try to put yourself, good friends and family first.

I am not sure one should run to a professional everytime one one gets a scabbed knee. Dealing with the mess of life in part of the process of growing up and nobody can do the growing up for you. I think break ups, unless extremely traumatic, can and should be faced with dignity and responsibility. It´s something that can happen, and happens a lot, and whatever it may look like it is not the end of the world. Yes, it hurts, we all have gone through it, and I assure you I have not forgetten how bad it feels. It hurts and hurts, but then it heals like all things, and like a wound, it has to heal in its own time, by the complicated natural process called living. There is no written rule for dealing with this. You go through it day by day, and one day you find that the worse of the sting is over and you can think of something else without too much effort. Live your life day by day, see your friends and family, do your own things, don´t stay home to moan and sniff. keep yourself busy and don´t feel guilty for enjoying your own time and hobbies. Don´t keep looking back, but don´t forget what you have learned either. SOme degree of emotional dependency is almost inevitable in a relantionship (one could say that it is the very definition of love), but complete dependency is never good. One should never abdicate from one´s self. This is not egoism. It is just not healthy for anyone if things become that way. If you cannot deal with this part of the problem by yourself THEN professional help may be of value... but not much. It may just promote another form of dependency.

i think every person is different. and because of those differences. wide to minute. each situation is different.

if you feel your emotional turbulence is causing problems with the relationship. this can stem from several different problems ranging from mental illness, to just every day stress.

options range from medication to therapy. or even couples therapy. psychiatry it seems is a very large field with many many subdivisions.

i think anyone should go see someone professional if they feel they need to. if they arent making sense of the situation around them. then sometimes its a good reality check to talk to a good counselor. ages ago when i was in my 20's i got dumped. i kept feeling something was wrong with me. the therapists answer was simple. so why are you seeing me. you seem like a nice guy. you got dumped. it happens.

either way. it was a good reality check.

and its especially wise to see someone you have some trust in. before you take a giant step.

good luck Kathy.

cheers
N.

Thanks to all of you for the words of encouragement. Once again, not trying to rain on the original writer of this post..

The problem that I'm faced with is simple. Ive seen a psychologist about it (my folks were really worried about me and gave me a name- so i thought why not..) After I told her about my situation (in a nut shell went from school& parents home to work and parents home to living with Jay and work.) which had jay be part parental unit which wasn't healthy for either of us, thing's happened that stressed me out more so than I wished to be stressed out. When they were over and done with, my 'bitching constantly'.. which translates into not being happy and content and laughing (positive if you will) for more than say a week. Then it turned into not for more than a few days. Now, I can't recall a day that has done by where I'm happy, and positive for the entire day.

This has strained our relationship because of Jay's worrying about me and about my well-being to the point where I need to go back home (city wise) and gain my ground again.

I didn't want to leave at first knowing that I'd be leaving him and knowing that this relationship was at stake if I did leave. Now, I realize that this relationship is more so at stake if I stay. There are a few other things keeping me here (in London) that makes life a lot easier for me, but Ive learned that life seems to enjoy giving me the harder path of the two.

The main problem is that I'm not happy and I don't know the reason. I'm hoping that the move will help me figure the reason out while starting to enjoy life again.

Any further advice will be greatly appreciated. Otherwise, updates on how it goes will occur when necessary. Thanx once again everyone.

Kathy

It would be great if someone had a magic pill to make all the hurt and hassle disappear every time we break up. However, because we're all so different and come to the relationship table with such different emotional experiences, there's no correct or easy way to deal with it. There are certainly WRONG ways, though, so it might be good to go over a couple of these:

1. Don't blame yourself, but realize a breakup is always a two-way street. You are not perfect and neither is your partner, so try to understand the reasons for the split from both sides.

2. Don't STALK your ex. Calling 10 times an hour is not only creepy, but demeaning to YOU. You once had a life without him/her, you can get through the rough period if you exercise a little restraint.

3. Don't think the next time will be different if you try again. Sure, sometimes couples can put things back together and work out difficult issues; the odds are way against it, though.

4. Don't rush into something new to get over the person you've freshly left (or been dumped by). Sure, it makes the pain go away instantly, but eventually you'll realize in most cases you're simply setting up someone else to get hurt the way you just did.

Finally, as someone who was both dumped and did lots of dumping, I can't recommend highly enough using your newfound free time to concentrate on work/career. You'll find yourself doubly productive and it'll simultaneously take your mind off that person.

As young as I am (22), I'm finding it hard to come out of a 2 1/2 year and not think about the US that once was. I'm also finding it hard to think of life before us.. probably due to the fact that before this relationship... and in the beginning of it, i was a full time student. Now, licensed and all, It's a lot different and trying to cope doesn't seem possible...

Any tips out there for coping... besides the obvious drinking etc.?

Kathy

quote:

Any tips out there for coping... besides the obvious drinking etc.?

1) drink only makes matters worse. stay with your counseling.

2) don't take yourself so seriously. there's nothing wrong with sadness and loss. you've had a loss, and sadness is part of it. don't dwell on how you're doing or coping....your world gets really small if you're focused just on yourself.

3) keep family and friends close, but don't become dependent of them. make yourself get out in the world and live life.

4) be willing to accept that the relationship is broken, and it will never be the same.....and that can be a good thing. you wouldn't want to go back to the same thing.

just generalities, but i survived, and you will too.

the best thing ive found to beat the feeling of hopelessness. is to try and reaffirm everything in positive terms. sometimes its more about perception and relation to the things around you, rather than the reality and this really wears one down.

see the situation and try to put it in positive terms. you took a step to better the situation for both of you. now some grieving is normal. but look beyond to the reasons you are doing this. and extrapolate. you took a difficult step. one that took a lot of strength. and so whats the positive?

you were brave, you were strong. and you took a constructive step. all positives right?

it takes some time to get used to this change of perception. but with time and practice . you can easily see how it changes the perameters of your day.

cheers and best of luck
N.