*Warning, this post has no real point other than rambling misguidedness, but feel free to add to it with your own stories*

Ever had one of those things from your past come up and give a nice hard bitch slap across the face? It has been an odd evening to say the least. In the process of cleaning out the basement for some serious remodeling, I was finally faced with the task of cleaning out 2 filing cabinets full of stuff left over from my high school and college/premarital life.

There was a ton of interesting stuff in there, a lot of good pictures to reminisce over and to tuck away for future use. It's amazing when you actually look back at your past, the people we used to be versus the people we've become.

Perhaps the biggest thing I found was a paper written to myself 4 days before I graduated. Has anyone else ever written one of these and actually found it later in life and re-read it? In any case, my letter sounded very positive, full of hope, dreams, vigor, and great things in general. The funny part is that I've actually achieved, maintained, and surpassed many of these things, but I don't know if I've stayed true to my own self in the process. It's been such a long time since money wasn't a main issue in my life, since it didn't matter if I quit my job as there was another one readily available that would most likely pay better, since I enjoyed my work, and since I could only think about the one thing that truly mattered in a high school kid's world- sex.

Shoot, I probably earn more than I ever had hoped for, but with that comes the seemingly endless circle of it never being quite enough to get all the "cool" toys. I don't even participate in any of the hobbies I had in high school which I was sure, would be lifelong endeavors. I have no carryover friends from high school and really none from college. It's just strange to look at where I was and to analyze the trail that got me here. I don't think you can help but to look at that path when it's so clear in front of you and wonder "what if" every time you come across one of the changes in direction as you review your path.

I think the best thing in my life has to be my wife. She can drive me insane or help me keep my head, but I can't imagine my life feeling nearly as complete without her in it. Here we are on the cusp of having an actual family of our own and I can't wait for it to start. At the same time, I sit at the crossroads looking forward and back wondering where the path ahead leads in relation to what is behind.

I guess I really don't know the point in this post beyond wondering how all of your lives have led you down certain paths and how we all ended up here?

I always knew I was going to go to college, major in music, and be this awesome professional musician for the rest of my life, maybe even become famous.

Yeah, so much for that.

I always said that kids were not really going to be a part of my life.

I always pictured myself being hip and cool and hanging out in coffeeshops like I did as a teen.

I always assumed I would stay thin and (societally) attractive.

I had a plan, and it was a good one.

Funny how those plans can disappear almost overnight. And make way for bigger, better things.

Still, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I would have actually finished highschool, gone to college for more than a semester, majored in what I had dreamed of from childhood, not been through half the trauma that still haunts me...

Sometimes I wonder. And sometimes I feel like a failure, like I let down myself and my family. But I have one beautiful son, another child on the way, a marriage that completes me, and plenty of wisdom that can only be gained from experience.

My daddy told me in a card I got today that he is proud of the woman I have become. I don't know that he realizes that's the first time he's ever said it. It makes me feel a little less like a black sheep and a little more... well, like I can actually contribute to society without letting my family down.

What a great topic, Buck... I don't mean to sound depressive - in actuality it's amazing the blessings we can be given in HEAVY disguise. Sometimes it just takes a while to peel off the layers of disguise, eh?

~Ang

I graduated from high school; neither my father nor brother can claim that.

I went to college and got a degree; the first time ANYONE in either side of my family has ever accomplished it.

I was a cocaine addict for almost two years after high school, smoked literally a ton of weed, and drank like a fish and am still alive (which makes no sense, but I'm certainly fortunate).

I found true love after fucking over countless women and being a lying bastard the entire time.

I own a house, which neither my parents nor grandparents were ever able to do.

I have been proud to welcome into the world and raise an amazing son who continues to amaze me and enrich my life every single day.

I have NO regrets about anything I've done, nor will I when I pass away. Life happens and that's that.

I founded a website that has put me into contact with the most amazing people and places the world has to offer.

(Great topic, Buck)

Great replies going on here. Let's hear some more.

As far as me, I was talking to Topless about this post after I put it up last night. It seems like I come across as a prson who is never quite satisfied and really I think she hit the nail on the head. It's like I've got a restless spirit.

I've achieved many things my parents haven't achieved, I make more money than they ever did, I've got a beautiful wife, and a family on the way. I've got so many great things going in my life, but the thing that bugs me is I can't help but feel there's something missing and it drives me crazy.

In reality, if I had to sum it up as far as what I think is missing, it would be fulfillment in my life from doing something meaningful or at least enjoyable as a profession. I bought a magazine a while back and it had a story about how these people all were working their dream jobs, whether it be some type of household name superstar or some guy that started a fly fishing company. Do any of you lack the fulfillment from your professional life? If so, are you planning on hanging in there until something better comes along or are you actively seeking a way to better it?

Well, obviously I'm in one of those dream situations you mentioned. My job is to basically have sex with my wife and write and talk about it. We also have no commute as I do most of my part at home and Eddy runs the shop, located only 6 blocks away.

I do think we should all remember how fortunate we are, however, to be able to enjoy the lifestyles we do. Here we are, typing away on the latest technologies, discussing sex, and living in relative comfort, while a great portion of the world has never seen or touched a computer, can be persecuted and killed for certain sexual conduct, and who live day to day without reliable access to food, water, and decent shelter.

It's healthy to strive for what we don't have; but better to appreciate what we do.

And since we're in the existential realm, can someone who's religious comment on this quote?

The Riddle of Epicurus

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

I definitely understand the meaning of being thankful for the things we do have and I'mby no means saying that I think my life is a sham, waste, etc, by not having everything I want. It's very far from it.

I'm just looking at trying to figure how I can make a move from doing what pays the bills to what helps me to get the most enjoyment out of life. What good is paying the bills if by the time you get done earning that slave wage, you feel so drained, you don't get the enjoyment out of life?

Good discussion. This is something I have thought and thought about A LOT in my own life.

Two very important lessons I have learned (and continue to learn) are: 1) stop living life to other people's expectations and 2) there are many different ways to have a fulfilling and happy life and they don't all relate to employment.

My father was a 30+ year company man and my mother a teacher. All of their friends were company men, or teachers or stay-at-home moms. They were my adult role models and that was what I though you had to do when you grew up. They were defined by their jobs (Who is Mr. Smith? Oh, he works for XYZ.). In fact, since my dad retired, he has struggled to come up with something to do with himself (besides golf) because all he ever did was work for the company.

So I graduate from college and all I know is that I *don't* want to work for The Company. But I had no idea what else to do. I worked as a bartender for 2.5 years, where I met people with all kinds of jobs and lives, and it opened up my world. I decided to go into nonprofit work (you know, "save the world"), then went to grad school for library science, worked as a librarian, worked in the dot.com heyday in NYC, then got my Dream Job working with nonprofit orgs on online fundraising. Problem was that me and the boss were the two most unsuitable people to work together EVER. It was horrible and made me physically sick for a year and a half. Learned that even your Dream Job can turn out to be not so dreamy.

I escaped that job to my current job in IT consulting. It's a fine job, pays OK, gives me great independence and flexibility...but I can't say that I'm really "into" it. However, it allowed me to make a huge change in my life by leaving NYC and moving to the west coast without having to worry about finding something new. It gave me time to establish myself here and dedicate a lot of time to making friends, finding my guy, and generally making the rest of my life the best it has ever been.

I struggle with the job now because it's not what I ultimately want to do. But for now, the trade-offs are still working in my favor. I don't want to jump ship into another Dream Job that isn't. I'm only 37 and I know that I will have a more fulfilling job someday, perhaps finally realize my entreprenuerial and independent spirit. For now I am content to revel in my new life, my guy, and my friends. But I do have to constantly remind myself that it's OK that way.

Sorry, I know this is going to be loooong! Like I said, I've spent A LOT of time thinking about these issues!

Forgive me if I start humming " Dust in the Wind" by Kansas

My, but we are into "Deep Thoughts" today.

I grew up anything but a "free spirit" yet I can't confess to having a blueprint for my life at a young age. I tend to think you don't realize life's crossroads until you see them in the rearview mirror.

College was something you did, and I must confess that much of my college life is more significant to my experiences on this site than to my professional life.

Today, at age 40, I have run my own business, though now I'm back in the real world, I am an adoptive parent, happily married, have great friends. I cannot get along with my mother, have somehow lost most or all of my religious beliefs over time, and at times can be rather snippy(I'm sure you have never noticed )I don't see any of that as more important about who I am than the other. I'm just glad I'm here for the ride.

BTW Buck, I think you may understand the real enjoyment of life when you get to hold that little baby for the first time.

It's a good day for pondering life for me.

I'm wavering between feeling blessed one moment and feeling like I did everything wrong the next today, but in the long run what would I really have done differently?

Nothing, probably.
~Ang

Nor could you have. What's past is unchangeable; what's in the future is unpredictable.

I was raised by authentic hippies. The whole nine yards. My parents believed violence never led to lasting solutions to problems, that religion was no excuse to deny the complexity of life and our universe, that in a world of plenty there should be no one hungry, and that the wealth of this planet belongs to all - not just the few.

They also believed in the truth above all other principles and that one should always seek it, even if it means sacrificing everything.

I feel fortunate to have experienced so much in my life and regret (and would change) nothing. Not ONE thing.

Isn't it interesting that Buck found that note and is really only seeing the difference of years by 10, if that. Life changes so quickly doesn't it?

I'm turning 40 within a month and I can only say at this very moment I feel this;

Life has been Grand! I think that I could of never seen my future being this good 20 years ago. After losing my father at 18, not one religion could answer why our "God" took my father away. At least none of their answers were good enough for me. So to meet my husband, the most atheist person around, and have a marriage that has made it almost 18 years is improbable. Having a beautiful child who adores us is quite a wonderful feeling. Having a website that makes a lot of people truly loves sexuality and communicates makes my heart grow fond. Yet, I see a dark cloud appearing as I see my mother's sickness take over and see another's life fire within flicker from it's steadfast position. I foresee that my own life seems so short that I worry about everyone around me.

Sorry, I seem to digress from the topic. I only know that life is too short and that I enjoy every day with my family and I never say "I love you" too many times.

I know I dont really fall under this category of thinking of when I was 18.. since I am. But I do sort of understand what you guys are talking about.. I know everything I do right now in my life is important... like I just got a new job.. if I didnt even go in for training (today) and left it completely that I would go look for another job and that would send me in a different direction.. of course I plan on trying this job.
I would hate to follow a blueprint.

Serena

P.S. it helps to hear that things work out

I thought i'd do some soul searching so here goes. I'm only 19 so I can't exactly look back very far and see if I've accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. I never thought of doing anything else except go to college after I finished secondary (high) school so I supposed I accomplished go but it wasn't until my last year in school that I actually decided what I wanted to do with my life. I had thought about doing law or becoming an accountant but until that year never even contemplated becoming a scientist. I'm so glad I decided to do science in college because I really do love it and I can see myself in my lab coat and safety glasses in a lab somewhere in 20 years (I'm majoring in chemistry). I think college has made me grow up a lot in just 3 years. You meet so many different people and form friendships with people who may be completely your polar opposite and who you would probably never have met otherwise. I've made one in particular that i treasure. He is one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. We've become good friends but I kinda want more...unfortunately he doesn't seem to have quite the same feelings for me as I have for him but what can ya do...i'll live. If this changes you guys will be the first to know! His best friend committed suicide over christmas and he's not really dealing with it very well, as can be expected. I can't imagine myself 3 years ago being able to be there for him and support him like I can now. I think that's the best thing about college, not only is it a means to bring myself where i want to go but I also get to meet great people. Maybe, like Buck, these friendships will last but I hope they do.
Where do I see myself in 10 years? Well as I said before probably in a pair of highly unattractive safety glasses! Hopefully married or in a serious relationship with someone I love (i already know who i want that person to be but thats another story) i would like to have kids eventually. by then i will hopefully have my PhD in Chemistry. that's kinda scary...i'll officially be Dr Nicole! i hope to have travelled a bit and hopefully have spent some time in the US. If i'm ever in LA i know where i'll be goin!
it'll be interesting to see if these foresights actually come true. this site had better be here in 10 years so I can come back and check!
I think i'll leave my ramblings at that for now...

quote:

Originally posted by Freddy:
And since we're in the existential realm, can someone who's religious comment on this quote?

The Riddle of Epicurus

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

The eternal question for anyone claiming to believe in God, or at least a *good* God, eh?

As a Christian, my answer would be, and I'm sure you've heard this statement before, that evil is a necessary part of free will. That's the whole concept to the story of Adam & Eve - Humanity was not inherently 'evil' until we made the decision to disobey God. Then why allow that option? Because without that choice, any expression of love or devotion would be meaningless... This is the simplistic reason for evil in the World, and thus "evil" can almost always be traced to man's wrongdoing. It's easy to pin responsibility for evil on God, but once Adam & Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, we essentially took the responsibility of evil upon ourselves. However God's sacrifice of his Son on the cross provides the means for us "imperfect" people to be acceptable to a perfect God. One aspect of Christianity then is not *interference* with human power to choose, but in producing a willing consent to choose good rather than evil...

It should be noted that the Bible teaches that evil eventually *will* be stamped out once and for all, once everyone that can make a choice, has made their choice...

D

P.S. F&E Rock! Buy something immediately - We can't afford to right now, and that IS evil!!!

Very well put, D. I completely agree, but I can never be quite as clear at explaining myself.
Abbie