This seemed to be the right place to put this. I have a funny story about kids, sex, and "The Talk"

Our oldest daughter is now 13. We have had discussions about puberty since she was around 10. However, the talk about sex had not been addressed to my liking. I knew she knew a lot (probably more than I did at that age), but I was so afraid she would be misinformed by her friends, the media, etc... I wanted to be very specific. I remember being too embarassed to ask my parents the questions I had, and being upset that they didn't cover "everything". So I did some research, I tend to overdo that all the time.
I would ask her if she had any questions, I usually bring up my misconceptions just to get the ball rolling. Well, just as you would expect, she was always trying to change the subject or acted like she wasn't interested. So I printed her a whole lot of pages off the net, information I figured she might be curious about, or that it might be appropriate for her to know. I was afraid of too much information. But I thought at least it might get the conversation going.

It did work, and she asked me questions from time to time. Simple ones like "What is a condom? They talk about them at school, but I don't know what it is." and she would make statements like "I just don't understand. Everyone talks about sex at school, but no one is doing it. They don't even kiss". Okay, good I got the ball rolling.

I'm a cool mom. I am an informing mom. My mom did a horrible injustice to me when I innocently asked her what a virgin was when I was around 9 years old and she busted up laughing. I was so embarrassed, she did tell me, but I swore I would never laugh at my childrens questions. So I am always prepared, if not over prepared for any question, any comment, any type of situation I might get into when it came to the birds and the bees.

or so I thought....

We were watching Dateline or some other show like that, and it was about sperm banks, children that were conceived with the help of sperm banks, etc...

It was just her and I in the living room, and she was watching pretty intently. They showed a close up shot of the sperm, and she was a little disturbed by it. "THEY SWIM!!??!!" she said shocked and disgusted. It was cute, but I didn't laugh. I didn't giggle. I didn't even smile. "yes, they swim." I said matter of factly. I explained the trip they must take to the egg, etc.... I'm so cool, I can't be shaken.

Then, from out of no where, she asks. "How do they get the sperm out of the guy? Does it hurt?"

I was paralyzed with the urge to laugh. I fought it, however I could not get any words out except a very laboured "no, it doesn't hurt"

Yeah, I was ready for anything. But I didn't laugh. I had to take some time to compose myself. But I didn't laugh. But I was so opposite of cool.....

Sorry Mom. Laughing is natural when caught off guard. I know now.

Anyone else got any funny stories of their offspring to share?

i have a bunch..

i do have to commend you on your thorough information for your daughter. my wife was much the same way. when the kids were teens, she made sure condoms mysteriously appeared in the linen closet...not to condone sex, but they knew they were there, and where they could get them.

just don't' be too much of a "buddy" kids need and really expect some level of parental discipline. her daughter started this thing about "my mom's my best friend in the whole world"....she'd say this every chance she got to whoever she was talking to. one evening the daughter was getting ready to go out with some friends, and my wife got all gussied up too...the daughter asked her where she was going, and my wife said "i'm going with you and the girls, we're best friends you know, i just thought you'd want me to come along".......need i say things changed a wee bit. from then on she was just "mom"....a good relationship, but the BS stopped.

years ago, my youngest was up in front of the congregation at church with the rest of the small kids ages 2-7, during the pastor's "time with the children". the pastor asked who was the "leader" in the family.....my son who was 3 a the time stood up and said..."my mom's the leader, she says my dad drinks WAY to much beer - so he's in trouble"

Our 9 year old is very socially awkward, and jill decided that he was too old to not know. So she pulled him aside and gave him the basic mechanics, and he looked totally surprised and disgusted. She asked him if he had any questions, and he said: "I didn't even want to know what you told me!"

Her sister in law gave her 8 year old the talk a year ago, and she just paused for a second and asked: "Does dad know about this?"

Ooooooooooooh I have some doozies.
My daughter is 13 now and this conversation happened when she was about eight. To give you the background, we were in the car, on the way to ballet class a thirty minute drive from home. So picture this, a little eight year old girl missing her two front teeth, dressesd in all her ballet gear with hair in a bun looking all sweet and girly.

Balletgirl- "Guess what Lisa show and telled today"

Mum- "What"

BG- "Her mum is pregnant again"

M- "No way!"

BG- "Yes way" counts on fingers-"That will be SEVEN KIDS!!! So they have done it SEVEN TIMES!!!!"

M- "Mmmmmmm"

BG- "I guess you and daddy don't do it, huh?"

M- "Well, actually yes, we do"

BG- "Well, how can that be, I don't have any brothers or sisters so I guess you don't do it"

M- "Well, there is a thing called contraception, so you can still 'do it' without having babies"

BG- "Oh, so how does that work?"

M- "Well, you can take a pill, or use a thing called a condom, but daddy has had an operation so we don't have babies"

BG-in that way that only 8 year olds have saiys "Ooooooooooooh, like the cat?"

M-trying to keep a straight face "Mmmmmmmmmm-a bit like the cat"

BG- "So, the cat has had an operation, and the dogs, we only have girl chickens and daddy has had an operation, so we won't have babies anywhere will we?"

M- "Nope!"

BG- "If you aren't going to have babies, why would you still do it?"

M- "Uuuuuummm cos it feels nice, it's fun"

BG- "FUN! You think that is fun! Don't you know if you want to have fun you can go roller skating!"

I nearly drove off the road!

A year or so later, we are on the way to ballet again, and an advertisement comes on the radio and mentions orgasm-she says "What's an orgasm?"

I say "Oh that's the REALLY fun part of when you have sex"
BG- rolls eyes to the Heavens "I can't imagine ANY part of sex being fun"

I love kids.....

Like the Cat, uh?

One of my favourite conversations with a child was with the four and a half year old girl I looked after as an au pair in Norway. Onenight she was inbedhalf asleep. I was sayingmy goodnights and she suddenly mumbled
"I know where Italy is."
"Ah, do you?" said I quite surprised
"Yes, it's where the oranges come from."

Once I asked a boy of 8 or so if he had read the Hobbit.
He asked what it was. I said
"It's a fantasy book"
He gaveme a darkly suspicious look
"Fantasy like... princesses?" (the last word being pronounced with utter distaste)
He lighted up when I said that no,there were no filthy princesseses but dragons and treasures and giant spiders.

Hubby has "man boobs" and last week our 6 yo daughter asked him if it had hurt when his breasts grew.

Just have to bump this thread up with a story of my own. I had the talk with my 13 yr old (now 16) about sex and how certain things are going to change, how he should act with the girls in his class etc. He nodded asked a few questions some that caught me by surprise but I managed to get through without dying.

Anyways about three weeks later we are talking and he said to me. "Dad, I learned something new today. " I replied "Oh".

He went on with a very sheepish look on his face. "Yeah I learned I can't wear track pants to school anymore"

I guess there was something I forgot to tell him.

Keeping in mind we own a SEX BUSINESS, I was taken aback a couple months ago when our son blurted out, "Daddy, I know what sex is."

"Uh, really, are you sure?" I answered back, surprised.

"Yep, Jason told me at school," he said.

"Ok, I'll play along. Please, humor me and tell me what sex is, exactly," I challenged.

"It's like, when a boy and a girl sleep in the same bed together and kiss each other," he said shyly.

"Well, young man, though your friend Jason is definitely smarter than me, would you like to know what sex REALLY is? Because if you do, I'll be happy to explain it," I shot at him with a dead serious look on my face.

He looked me in the eye, thought about it for a few seconds, and backed down, never to bring it up since.

So, despite owning a sex shop, website, and talking about sex every day with thousands of people over the course of our business lives, our son and countless other males STILL manage to get all their sexual information via the underground elementary school network!