I need some advice before I loose my mind. This may get long but I want to explain as much as I can.

I�ve been married for 20 + years and sex has never been very important to my wife. Of course, it is all I live for, well use to anyway! We are both pushing 50 and I�m pretty sure it is not going to get any better.

My wife has never had an orgasm! Never. Before you think I don�t know what I�m doing, know that I have read numerous books, watched sex ed videos and yes even tried the romance route. Nothing works with her. I know it is her problem and not mine, but I want her to please more than anything else. She refuses to touch her self to even try to learn about her glorious body.

Is it possible that she does not have a clit? With her clitoral hood pulled all the way up there is still nothing there to see. Yes I know what they look like. I had been with a few other women before her. If she has one it is microscopic. Oral sex does nothing for her she could fall asleep. We have had the Eroscillator (vibe recommended by Dr. Ruth) for years. She will use it for 45 minute to an hour, until it gets to hot to hold (the vibe). And it feels good, but never an orgasm.

She does enjoy being fingered and I enjoy fingering her. She likes it deep and firm with pressure applied towards the navel as if you were going for the g-spot. At times I can feel her g-spot start to swell but only after she had had several minutes pounding my finger, but then she quits. It is like she does not even want to have the big O.

Communication, yep been there, done that. Her reply to anything about sex is to not talk about it or �you do everything just right�, or �it could not be any better�. Holly crap the girl has never had wet panties.

I�m so frustrated I could scream. I�ve been faithful the entire time we have been together, but is it worth it? I want to see her explode with satisfaction, be over come by pleasure. But I guess it will never happen. I am ready to give up on trying to please her. Just climb on and bust a nut once or twice a month and say the heck with it. Oh, and that is on a good month cause the only time we can �do it� is when it fits her schedule or something is not hurting. Can you tell I�m aggravated?

Thanks for reading my long post, sorry for the length.

JKL,
If there ever was the perfect place to come for support in a situation like this, you've found it.

I personally don't have any great and wonderful suggestions on anything new to try - you sound like you've exhausted most ideas.

Still, you're here and that's a great start. The people here are warm, welcoming, and nonjudgemental. Not to mention smart. So you'll probably get a ton of awesome opinions and suggestions.

The one thing I can think of to ask is whether or not she's ever been willing to look at sexual material with you, be it stuff like this site (which can be very nice for people who are just starting to explore their sexuality) or videos and books and what have you.

Does she have any toys? If she won't masturbate, I'm guessing she doesn't outside the Eroscillator. Do you guys have any books specifically bent on helping a woman appreciate herself?

Hm. Guess I had more to say than I thought.

~Ang

Wow, thanks for a quick reply.

We have tried about every type of toy imaginable. Of course I'm the one who picked it out and bought it, she would never look at that "dirty stuff". Most things got tried one time only and she had no interest in trying again, same with videos, watch it once and be done with it. I'm not talking about porn, I'm talking about things that teach you how to experience pleasure, orgsams, g-spot, cant think of any titles - it has been a while. Most everything ended up in the trash. The only toy that we have had for a few years is the Erosillator. We've got the old one, before # 2. Had it for several years.

I explained to her that I think I would loose my mind if I were just brought to the feeling good stage and never got to climax.

I dont know what to do anymore. I guess you cant help someone who wont help their self.

In a way, your last sentence is probably your most poignant.

Unless she is willing to have an orgasm, the HUGE psychological barriers she obviously has won't be surpassed.

Have you guys looked into counseling? Even 'regular' therapists can help someone at least try to open their minds enough to experience an orgasm. Was your wife the victim of sexual abuse growing up?

The most important thing I can think of is discovering why she has no desire for release and getting help for it. Your wife might not see it as a problem, but it certainly is, especially if it's affecting you and your marriage.

I wish I could help more.
~Ang

JKL,

This is a subject my wife and I had to tackle early on in our relationship and even once we got to the point where she could orgasm it's been years in really getting to the point of her enjoying herself completely during sex.

As Ang pointed out, the problem here is that you can't do anything beyond what you've tried thus far. It's now up to her to expand her own horizons and want to experience that feeling. If it's come to the point where it's actually affecting you in your marriage then it's time to talk quite frankly with her as to how it makes you feel and possibly time to try a little counseling as well.

I applaud your efforts thus far, but it sounds like she has put up a stone wall about sex and is unwilling to go beyond wherever she's set that boundary. Probably the best thing she can do is take the time to actually think about sex and think about the good feelings that come with it. It took Topless a good long time to actually think about her own sexuality and enjoying making herself feel good. Once that started happening it came to a point where our sexual relationship starting growing again.

JKL,

First off welcome. I hope you find us warm and supportive. You have already heard from two of our best in Celt and Buck.

As the others have already stated you cannot control her ability to climax. She has to want to. My first suggestion is for her to have a medical exam. Hopefully she has a longtime doctor who she would feel comfortable discussing this type of issue with but let's rule out anything physical. Don't say Honey go to the doctor so you can come. Tell her you are concerned for her well being and want to make sure her hormones levels etc are as they should be. If everything is okay physically then the next step has to be hers, whether it's therapy, self awareness, or whatever.

My real suggestions are for you. I can only imagine what you are feeling but if all other aspects of your marriage are solid, then please don't allow the lack of passion to sour you on everything. Enjoy the intimacy of being together the times you do have sex and don't put more pressure on her. She maybe just as frustrated as you, it sounds like she is not comfortable even discussing sex, and if you make such a major issue out of her orgasm, or lack there of, then she may feel like a failure, or letting you down, and cause her to withdraw even fiurther from the physical side of your relationship. Give her positive reenforcement that you enjoyed yourself, you love and desire her. Concentrate less on her ability to orgasm and make her feel good about her ability to please you. At worst maybe you get to have sex more often.

Good luck.

Silk

Welcome JKL.
We all seem to feel your frustration regarding your situation. You and your wife have been together for a long time, so there is a lot of history here. Being at your age also has a bit of a disadvantage. She definately has gone through or is going through that wonderful time of menopause where having a woman's body is not much fun. I definately agree with the other posts that being here and venting is very good for the soul. That's how Freddy began our journey here. Silk is on the right track when it comes to checking out the physical situation. If she's not comfortable, you can always take it in your own hands and see about meeting with her Dr. to voice your concerns. The next step of marriage counseling would be next. Just as long as your keep the same vision that this is a mutual issue/problem, not just hers or yours. As I said before, you have a long history together, prove its' strength by facing this together, so that you both can learn from it. I trust it will work out, since I believe it will. You seem to have so much passion. Good Luck.

Thanks guys for all the great suggestions.

Yes she is at the lovely menopause (sp) age. A few months ago the Dr took her off the pill after 20 years. I had to start using rubbers which I dreaded. Turned out to be great, man that little fellow last forever with a rubber!

She has had this problem the entire time we have been together, her whole like I'd say. She does not act a bit different, anyway yet, since "the change" has started.

Sex was a dirty word in her house as a child, it was never mentioned or allowed to be talked about. She grew up with three sisters and did not even know what a male had in his pants till late in high school. She didn't know what a clit was till after we were married and claims she has never masturbated as a child.

Counseling would be the ticket because I'm sure it is all in her head, since she has always been this way. To me, sex is like a religion, a glorious experience (not an obcession now that I've got older!). I adore her body and long to give her pleasure. I want to make her feel good more than I want to get off myself.

I'll try talking to her one more time... we do not fight about it and I do not say you should... When I bring up the sex topic she just clams up, has nothing to say. We'll see what happens this time. I'm guessing neither of us have very many GOOD sex years left and I want to take advantage of the time we do have. Ole willy isn't going to stand up much longer!

Thanks again everyone, great board I'm glad I found you!

Take heart JKL, hopefully life is long...I got a big smile out of a recent post on the now famous Try This and Report Back Thread at Literotica -- the post on page 50 by howsweetis tells of how in 49 years of marriage his wife never let him perform oral sex on her, until about a week ago!

Here's the link - Literotica.com

I don't really know what to suggest without making a million assumptions about your wife other than to say it seems you care about her and want her to be happy. I suppose when we love someone we want them to feel the same kind of pleasures and joys that we do. This is a complicated situation and it sounds like you and she are possibly dealing with the fallout of her upbringing and beliefs about sex.

Maybe just encouraging the notion that you'd like to explore more for the both of you, be more sensual in all aspects of your life and take delight in each other without the focus being on her, could start you along a more pleasure filled path. It may or may not lead to orgasms for her but it'll be fun.

Some random thoughts;

Women sometimes have issues with giving and receiving -- we get stuck with wanting to be givers and don't know how to gracefully receive.

We're sometimes fearful that the men in our lives might just be terrified of the sexual person we really are.

We're afraid that our strange little fantasies make us freaks and worst still not "ladies".

If you're into reading Jack Morin's The Erotic Mind is wonderful as are Nancy Friday's Women On Top and Olivia St. Claire's Unleashing the Sex Goddess in Every Woman. Annie Sprinkle's discussion on seven types of orgasm can be enlightening too -- Annie Sprinkle

Good luck to you and your wife and welcome aboard.

Just an aside on a comment in your first post about oral on her, don't be too distressed, I love it when my sweetie does it and he's good at it but it rarely makes me come...add fingers!

I'm not sure how to put this so I'm gonna jump in with both feet and hopefully say it right.
SOme people can't talk about anything sexual with people even those they love for fear of what the response would be. I have never watched a porn which most people that know me know think I'm lying about but my ex-husband once asked me to watch one with him and I said a flat out no I don't need to watch one of those things. Even today if a male friend asked me to watch a porn video with him I would still be a little hesitant because I may have a "wrong" reaction to it. I did used to flick through some of the channels on TV but only when no-one else was home but then would quickly shut it off again. It wasn't until I stumbled across Jenn's site Hiddenself, that I started to realise it's okay to be this sexual I'm not strange or weird and although sex is still dirty to me I have accepted that. I cannot "make love" to anybody and if I do try (which I did with my husband) it tends to shut everything down and I'm not sure I orgasmed with him too much. It got to the point too where I couldn't be bothered to have sex either.
Now however I've accepted this is how I think about sex and that for me it will always be dirty and not "a loving thing between two people". For me the loving part is afterwards when we snuggle together in bed or spend time together. For the sex part I close my eyes and go at it, and enjoying it the way I need to.
I was brought up not to talk about sex or sexual things and always had trouble even going to buy underwear. It's a hard thing to overcome and I wish you all the best.
K done rambling and I hope it makes some sense.

JKL,

I just finished reading your posting and I was shocked at how identical our situations are. Everything you said is exactly what I am going through. The only difference is our age. My wife and I are both 33 and as the years go by I keep telling myself things will get better. I have been clining to the notion that one day my wife will finally have the big O and suddenly will be into having sex.

I read all of the responses to your posting and I hate to say it but....they just don't get it. I have had long talks with my wife and it gets us nowhere. I have researched toys as you did and got the same response. She just wants nothing to do with sex. She has no fantasies, no desires and every night has a new ailment making her need to go right to sleep. My fear is that 20 years will pass and I will be in the same boat I;m in now.

Has anything changed for you? Have you made any progress? I just don't know what to do. The 15 or so times we do have sex per year it ends up being too quick because she has made me wait so long and then she wants to go to bed.

The kicker is that everything else in our relationship is perfect. And I mean perfect. We are best friends, do everything together, have 3 great children and couldn't be happier. I am completely alone in this because it is constantly on my mind and it never enters hers. Eventually she will see my frustration building and we will have sex. But even then I feel like she is just doing it to fullfill her wifely duties so to speak.

I feel your pain and I am right there with you. I am going out of my mind as well. If you have a breakthough and something changes PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!

If you are religious, you might try attending a church sponsored marriage retreat. While our issues were not identical to yours, we had some issues related to the appropriateness of sex. Just switching to a church that recognized the beauty of sex within marriage opened communication doors which made a huge difference. On another note, you say she has no fantasys. That might not be true. She might have fantasys that she is ashamed of. What if, as she becomes aroused, she begins seeing some sexual image that she thinks is evil. Many women have rape fantasys. Your wife could well shut off the pleasure so that she soes not experience a fantasy that she thinks is unacceptable. Again, church helped us with this.

This sounds like my marriage. My wife has never had the big O, in the 10 years I've known her. She refuses when I beg to give her oral sex. We have sex about 6 times a year. I tell her I feel selfish because it all seems about me, she says she doesn't care about sex, it does nothing for her. She prefers to be on her back, with her shirt/bra on. I ask her to tell me what she likes, her fantasys and she says nothing. I ask her to show me what she likes and she won't. She prefers the room dark. And she has a killer body - she has nothing to be ashamed of. She won't even take a shower with me. Toys? No way. Movies? No way. I do chores around the house, try to be romantic, does not work.

I gotta tell you, it's hard for a guy NOT to have a wandering eye when this is going on. But I've been faithful....

quote:

Originally posted by JKL:
She refuses to touch her self to even try to learn about her glorious body.

For some reason, this particular statement jumps out at me.

Vaginas, clits, etc come in many different shapes and styles. It sounds like your wife has a clit on the small end. Unless its a biological deformity (a doctor or gynocologist could tell you for certain) it has no bearing on her desire.

As an example; My last partner before Kathy- a friend with benefits- had a large clit, and a very sensitive one. Katherine's, by comparison, is smaller, and less sensitive, but both of their sex drives are/were basically the same level- very high- and Katherine is more liberated and less self-concious. She also orgasms quicker.

In my experience, the more comfortable a woman is with herself and her body, the more likely she is to be sexually liberated. The fact that doesn't like to touch herself makes it seem as though she has body issues, or else has been conditioned that way as a youth. With all the stories you hear of people hardline views against anything remotely sexual, it may be something to look at. If people are told that masturbation- and, along with it, self-discovery and sexual freedom- is wrong and dirty from an early age, and its reinforced, eventually they will simply repress the desire completely, and will even unconciously stop themselves from breaking that block. It becomes hardwired into their brain that its wrong, and it makes them sexually frigid.

You mentioned how she begins to get aroused when you finger her, but then she just seems to stop. That sounds like a mental block in her head, something that has conditioned her to think that orgasming is wrong.

Do you know what her childhood was like?? Very strict, perhaps a hardline religious family?? I only ask because hardline religion tends to frown upon anything to do with the body and sexual discovery, especially some hardline Christian strains. Sexual feelings tend to be repressed- sometimes by force-, and it can seriously fuck people up.

Notice I say hardline- most modern religious strains have no problems with embracing sexuality within marriage, and work towards sexual equality within marriage, but there are exceptions.

However, no matter her childhood, it sounds like she needs some counselling- perhaps with you, perhaps alone, perhaps both- Its likely almost totally a mental condition, which can hopefully be rectified with the help of a therapist.

Its not physical, its mental. You've tried communication, it hasn't worked; Now you need professional help.