Well, I am two weeks away from getting married to the women of my dreams and I have one and only one reservation going into this final step of our relationship.

We have been dating for two years and have a three month old child together (we were suppose to get married last year) and I have still not been able to make her orgasm. This concerns me greatly because her satisfaction is important to me. I have lived the single life for a while now (I am 35) and have had lots of experience with women and making them go all the way. I actually used to pride myself on being a giver not a taker but my fiance is a tough nut to crack! She is 25 years old and has been with a couple of other people but they too were not successful. She has been checked out by her doctor and everything is seemingly fine. She is not really a sexual person by nature. She has absolutely no ambition to explore her own sexuality and we are limited in bed due to that fact. I feel as though some times I am taking advantage of her because I ALWAYS reach orgasm and she does not. She says that she enjoys sex and has gotten close a few times but it is difficult for me to bring up my concerns with her. She simply shuts down and does not want to talk about it or her natural defense mechanism engauges and nothing is talked about. My goal is to make her open up to some of the sexual options. Foreplay is difficult other than touching and kissing due to her list of "Cannot's".

I was just trying to see if anyone had similar experiences with their significant others or suggestions. To give you an idea of what I am up against, my "to be" wife is very conservative. She grew up Mormon but is no longer a practicing member of the church. Her mom was divorced several years ago and has not remarried or has had ANY sexual encounters since. My fiance would rather not "do it" than to talk about options or experimentation. I cannot bring up things that I have tried with other women that worked (because I have had women in my life that had the same problem and I was able to successfully change that!) but you all know where that conversation would lead....Anyways, I have resorted to chat room advice and after reading some of the postings, I have hope that someone can help....Thank you for you time and consideration!

Wow! This is a biggy! I don't know where to start. First, welcome HIL! Well, everyone here knows that I consider communication the main adhesive within a relationship. So, not being able to do it now in the early steps of your relationship is going backwards. I know there is baggage with your finance regarding religion so that is one major hurdle. There is also the main fact that you two have a 3 month old, so you are going through sleep deprivation and having your fiance go through "mommy mode". So your sexual lover, no matter how little you had sex previously, has gone to zero. Talking about it is not an easy task, but if you wait until down the the road, it will never be primary in your relationship. First things first, and that means discussing it and how it will affect your relationship. You just want to please her....

Before I read the second paragraph and you said, "Cannots" I was sure there were religious issues at hand. Even if she is non-practicing those belief systems follow you until you've come to terms with them. And it seems like she'd prefer to "ignore" than deal with them.

I shared this with one of the girls (PM) in confidence but it may help here:
"...Together now we are of the same religion, but while dating for so long the guilt of having sex with me was a struggle for him...We had lots of fun and it was exciting (the cops caught us 3xs) and he was always very good but afterward it was always weird like... "We shouldn't have done that." So I think those strange habits followed us into marriage."

She might just be beating herself up about even having sex in a non-marital relationship. But too... as someone who dated the same guy for 7 years not making a commitment to her can be hurtful, she doesn't know if you'll leave her and it can be stressful (btw I never heard of someone postponing a Wedding 'cuz the fiance has orgasm issues ).

I found it hard to put on a "Happy Face" sometimes. And I didn't have a baby to look after (she might also have a hormone imbalance like an underactive thyroid or just have body conscious issues). Maybe she doesn't know how to reach orgasm because she never masturbated (sorry I'm assuming, but it's supposedly a no-no) you kind of have to let it happen and if you're tense the whole time sometimes you just can't have it. Maybe she feels inadequate due to your "extra experience". I feel like the bright side is at least she's not faking! I mean yeah, it's extra work for you and all; but if you two ever get to that place it can be really magical!

There's nothing in Mormon doctrine that should make her feel bad/indifferent/shameful with Sex in marriage at all.

I hope it's OK to link this. lol.

Please read from this talk if you have the time:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/in...82620a____&hideNav=1

I really hope you come to an agreement for your child's sake. But you can't change someone who doesn't want changing either. Maybe you could pray about it together???

Much love,
-Jill

I agree with you guys about not waiting to talk about it. To clarify, this issue in no way shape of form is going to interfear with us getting married. I just had these day dreams of being able to bring her to that level on our wedding night. I will say that I found it interesting about the guilt of having sex before marrage. I do not think that this is the main issue but may be part of it. I think she does not compare herself to my other partners but I definitely think she has insecurities in this area. I very much enjoy the insight and please keep the suggestions coming...Thanks!

Welcome and congrats on you little one and the impending marriage.

My wife was vary naive and conservative when we were first married. But over the years (we have been married 21 yrs this July, plus we dated three yrs prior) she loosed up as we became more relaxed and comfortable with each other. That may sound funny but it does take a long time for people to become comfortable with each other. Roles need to be established and re-established as situations change (Children is a BIG situation changer). Of course people change over the years and then the whole process starts over again. I do not mean to scare you but just to prepare you.

That said, Eddy has a lot of fine points in her answer (She is DEFINATELY the smarter half in that relationship ). I can only add to keep talking and do not let the physical nature of your relationship frustrate you. It is only part of the whole package (an important and fun part though).

You being a new father and all I would suggest you look through this old post. It has A LOT of great advice.

What is the role of a husband?

Good Luck.
MJ

You may want to look at "The Marriage Bed" forum. Lots of interesting issues discussed there. It is a faith-based site, but you would be pleasantly surprised at what is openly and frankly discussed there. Best of luck.