This had me spluttering coffee over the keyboard (not recommended)the other day.

"My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn't seem to bother me. It's the hiding that seems so cruel."
Jonathan Katz, American comic

Another I like is from a fellow Australian, Dame Edna Everidge:
"I'm a shy and vulnerable woman. My husband has never seen me naked. Nor has he expressed the least desire to do so".

I'm just wondering if anyone else out there has a quote that makes them chuckle or even laugh out loud?

"Do you know what a rodeo fuck is? A rodeo fuck is when you're fucking your wife and you say to her, 'I fucked your sister.' And if you can stay on for one more minute -- that's a rodeo fuck."
--- Rodney Dangerfield

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.

Matt Groening

The Citizens' Committee to Clean Up New York's Porn-Infested Areas continued its series of rallies today, as a huge, throbbing, pulsating crowd sprang erect from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether region surrounding the glistening, sweaty intersection of Eighth Avenue and Forty-Second Street. Thrusting, driving, pushing its way into the usually receptive neighborhood, the excited throng, now grown to five time its original size, rammed itself again and again and again into the quivering, perspiring, musty dankness, fluctuating between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion. Now suddenly the tumescent crowd and the irresistible area were one heaving, alternately melting and thawing turgid entity ascending to heights heretofore unexpeienced. Then, with a gigantic, soul searching, heart-stopping series of eruptions, it was over. Afterwards, the crowd had a cigarette and went home.

Weekend Update, Saturday Night Live NBC TV

As she lay there dozing next to me,one voice inside my head kept saying,"Relax...you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another other voice kept reminding me,"Howard, you are a veterinarian."
Dick Wilson

[ February 08, 2004, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: herecomestherain ]

"Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe."

Benny Hill, The Benny Hill Show, Thames TV 1984

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:

"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall"

Eleanor Roosevelt

" Don't worry about avoiding temptation....As you grow older, it will avoid you."

Unknown

Sex is two plus two making five, rather than four.

Sex is the X ingredient that you can�t define, and it�s that X ingredient between two people that make both a man and a woman great in bed.


Sex, It�s all relative. There are no rights, wrongs or rules.

Mistakes can be pleasurable, accidents can be fun, people you can not stand to talk too can rock your fuckin world.

It's the one thing you can do a thousand times and never do it the same way twice.

A lovely young virgin named Lynn
Once said about fucking, "It's sin."
But a fellow named Tang,
With a twenty-inch wang,
Made her cry to the heavens, "It's in!"

########################################

Jack and jill went up the hill,
to smoke some marajuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she'd wanna.
Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun,
but stupid Jill,
forgot the pill,
and now they have a son!

#####################################
Roses are red
violets are corney
when I think of you
oh baby I get horney,
eat me
beat me
bite me
blow me
suck me
fuck me
very slowly.
If you kiss me dont be sassy
you your tongue and make is nasty!!

###########################################

Did these tickle your tummy or do these pass as not funny?
Do you like poems that ryme or do you not have the time?
If you like what has been written then by all means stop petting your kitten, place your fingers on the board and show me what you have scored.

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

*************************************

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

I knew nothing about sex before I got married. When my mother told me that the man goes on top and woman on the bottom, I bought bunk beds.

Joan Rivers

:0)

Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A: The penis.

Q: How do you get Visual Aids?
A: From a nasty poke in the eye.

Q: What's the object of a Jewish football game?
A: To get the quarter back!

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on!

Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A: Fur traders.

Hey Freddy & Eddie, How about a joke page?

Why do rabbits have so many baby bunnies?

Because their ears are to big to give head!

Steve Martin

I'm hoping that this isn't a precursor of some future road rage incident...my four year old daughter asked me yesterday if the intersection we were passing through was a happy road or a cross road.