Very nice Find. You owe me a new key board!!!

Bush t-shirt slogans:

>>1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
>
>> 2) 1/20/09: End of an Error
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>> 3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
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>> 4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
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>> 5) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
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>> 6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
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>> 7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The SameTime
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>> 8) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
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>> 9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
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>> 10) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
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>> 11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
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>> 12) Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow jobs Anymore
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>> 14) America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
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>> 15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
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>> 16) Which God Do You Kill For?
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>> 17) Cheney/Satan '08
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>> 18) Jail to the Chief
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>> 19) Who Would Jesus Torture?
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>> 20) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade
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>> 21) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
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>> 22) Bad president! No Banana.
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>> 23) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
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>> 24) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
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>> 26) Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood
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>> 27) Is It Vietnam Yet?
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>> 28) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
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>> 29) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
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>> 30) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
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>> 32) Impeach Cheney First
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>> 34) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
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>> 35) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
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>> "To those of you who receive honors, awards and distinctions I say, well
>done. And to the "C" students, I say: You too can be president."
>
>> --George W. Bush

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...followed by

Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde


Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"

Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"

If you drove your car at night at the speed of light would the lights work?

How men screw up romance

http://www.smartmarriages.com/HowMenScrewUpRomance.jpg

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . You started it.”

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."

Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.

This is good

http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/penis.html

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The Tale of the Horse and Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

And one more for ya: Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave.....
Dave.....
Dave, you sick bastard
You're a vet."

This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied
with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because
I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.

"Great, just great", I moaned.

The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me. He
was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked
towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, "I am not happy"..............

To which I replied, "Well..... which one are you then?"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHEN:

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income (and you think
that's normal).

You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.

You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell phone.

You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.

You begin to 'lie' to your friends about how close you are when you know
darn well that it'll take you at least an hour to get there (see below).

Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance,
takes about 'twenty minutes'.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

In the 'winter', you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same
day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New Years Day, and maybe sunburn.

You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.

If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're
definitely driving.

Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.

You know what 'In-'N-Out' is and feel bad for all the other states
because they don't have any.

Stop signs stand for, Slow To Observe Police. (Ha ha ha ha! Loved this
one!)

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

You eat pineapple on pizza.

Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your head.

You think that Venice is a beach.

The waitress asks if you'd like 'carbs' in your meal.

You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is.

You call 911 and they put you on hold. (Oh, yes they do!)

You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.

The gym is packed at 3 pm ...on a workday.

You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a
McDonald's, Subway or a Starbucks. (Do we have to go two miles for a
Starbucks?)

You know what 'Sigalert', 'PCH', and the 'Five' mean.

*You know the meaning behind the name of the 405 freeway.... because it
takes 4 hours to get one way, and 5 hours to get back. And it's called
the 'San Diego Freeway', but it doesn't go anywhere near San Diego! The
Santa Ana Freeway does! *(Oh, I am wiping the tears from my eyes! How
true!!!)

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:
'STORM WATCH'.

The Terminator is your governor.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from
California !