i'm a fan of bdsm (obviously), and i know there's a perv hiding in my boyfriend just waiting to get out. the only problem is he's never played and neither of really want to top. i can top, but i prefer to be the sub. so how do i get him comfortable with topping me without being too demanding?

Hello bondagedoll!

Over at SandM.com we have an advice column called "Dear Dom" and this is actually a very common situation that many folks enquire about.

I thought that I'd re-post a recent one we answered, since you two seem to be in a somewhat similar situation!

Dear Dom.
I am happily married. My husband and I have a good sex life. BUT..... I want to be submissive so badly, and he just doesn't get into it. He will do small things (tie me up, light spankings, etc). But I have to instruct every little thing, and it just becomes frustrating. I want just one well-planned scene, where I have to give no direction. I want to feel totally in his control. I don't know why he isn't into it. It looks like any man or anybody for that matter would like to have someone they could do anything they wanted to or have them do anything they wanted them to. I'm getting more & more frustrated & I DO NOT want to step outside my marriage, but I so badly want to have real session, something right out of my fantasies. Can you give me any advice????

This is a tricky one. It would help if I knew more about the non-sexual part of your relationship, particularly the power dynamics.

In any case, these fantasies of yours are perfectly fine. In fact, we quite like that sort of thing around here. That's what this site is all about. But people have different sexual tastes. Sometime's the urge for a particular kind of sexual exploration just isn't there, and we do need to be willing to accept that. At the same time, you have said you are happily married and you have a happy sex life, so that implies a measure of compatibility and chemistry, and under those conditions people do often grow together.

Your husband's disinterest in dominance is frustrating for you, because it leaves you feeling stuck, unable to experience something you feel you want or need. I think the first step is to take a look at your own motives in this situation, and try to see whether there is anything about your approach that might make it difficult or unappealing for him.

"I so badly want to have real session, something right out of my fantasies."

It seems clear that your first motive in this case is a selfish one. That's not the end of the world; we all have things we want for ourselves. However, the more selfishly-motivated a particular sexual overture is, the less appealing it is to most people. This is particularly true coming from a submissive. It could be your husband feels (rightly or wrongly) like you want to submit, but you want to do it your way, not his. And that can be uninspiring for a would-be dominant.

If I wanted to submit to someone, I expect it would be more appealing to a prospective dominant if I try to find out exactly what they want and then try to give it to them, as opposed to trying to figure out how to get them to do what I want. At some point, chances are they will begin to take more of an interest in some of my fantasies and desires in return.

You wrote that "it looks like... anybody... would like to have someone they could do anything they wanted to or have them do anything they wanted them to." If that's the case, then why aren't you trying to persuade your husband to submit to you? Maybe he has submissive inclinations himself?

I can tell you that being in charge isn't always easy; In fact it usually isn't. And it can be intimidating and draining at times. We dominants need reassurance and support too.

You could try asking this question: "Is there anything, anything at all, that you have ever wanted to do with me sexually, but you maybe thought I wouldn't want to do it, or wouldn't accept it?"

When you ask that question, be ready for any kind of answer. It could be, "I just want to hold you tenderly and look into your eyes," or it might be, "I want to eat blue jellybeans out of your ass." Whatever it is, if you can get into it, do it! If you can't get into it, you still need to be as accepting and understanding as possible of whatever it is (or isn't) if you expect the same kind of acceptance and understanding in return.

It may be your husband is afraid to take charge, because he suspects that if the scene doesn't match your fantasies exactly, you will be disappointed, and perhaps judge him negatively. He may have other insecurities of his own that he needs to work on, which you may or may not be able to help him with.

In any case, you should be asking him these questions. Ideally the two of you should be able to communicate openly about these issues and both feel safe, not judged or pushed around. If you can't do that, then that's the place to start. Get outside help if necessary. Once you have a sense of safety, openness and trust in your communications, a lot of these other issues might start working themselves out with a lot less effort and frustration.

That's my perspective. Take what you need from it, and leave the rest.

And let us know what happens!

[ January 29, 2004, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: Juliette ]

I hope this might be helpful. Try to plan a night or weekend (IF YOU HAVE THE STAMINA) where you swap. First you tie him up, then he ties you up. that way both of you get to try the different roles. Another twist is that you both write down twenty minor submissive fantasies (IE Clothes pins on my nipples). then the Dom of the session will reach into the submissives grab bag and pull out ONE to Five of these fantasy slips and that is what is to be done during the session. If you both enjoy this method, soon you both will start to learn without even a thought as to what the other wants and what you would like.

A true sub will always want to please thier master, yet even in the deepest depths a sub will want something. That part of knowing what a sub will want by a Dom, can be and is taxing to ones thought process. the fantasy slip trick just sort of removes some of the strain.

Good luck

We are going to try this over the coming weekend, Slave. Thanks!