Hello. Firstly i'd like to introduce myself because the is my first post here although i've been hanging around the message boards plucking up courage to write something myself for a few days now. I really love this site. Well the main reason for my confusion is this, I am a feminist, not a shaved head dungaree wearing kind but still quite a stauch supported of women as equal and into fighting gender opression whereever i see it, and i see it in a lot of places. but over the last few years something has been gradually progressing which is really disturbing me- i think you get where i'm going with this- i'm turning out to be very submissive in the bedroom (by my standards anyway). He's (my partner) always been the dominant one sexually, i just feel nothing when he asks me to dominate him- I mean in an ideal world thats what i'd be all knee high boots and whips and loving going on top, but the truth is, thats not what i am. In fact last night it all came to a head when after reading a bondage novel and being really turned on by it I hinted that he should spank me for a minor misdemenour- and he did- it lead to the greatest sex and the most mindblowing orgasam i've had for ages. I actually got sopping wet when he was hitting me- and for someone who has read loads of books and articles and signed petitions about the evils of domestic violence it was confusing to say the least I know how different those two scenarios are but still- he was hitting me, abusing me, and i loved it. We were both quite taken aback at where this leaves us. All i know is this, it wasn't just a cheap sexual thrill when he hit me, although it was thrilling, but it was more than that, it somehow felt so right, like a huge release, like everything had just clicked into place and i was home. Does that make sense?

But its not so simple as all that... I am a manic depressive and have self harmed in my younger years. I can tell he'll worry that this is a form of self harm and stop doing it. Part of me worrys that too, but this was so different somehow, like when i used to self harm it was an act of utter misery that gave me release, this is more about seeking a primal pleasure and sacrifing my own ego in order to give him pleasure which just seems beautiful to me. One was an act of hate, the other felt like a huge act of love. But I can't pretend to him that there isn't a blurring of the boundries somewhere, can i, after all both acts invoke the pleasure/pain dicotamy, don't they? And asking him to punish me isn't too far removed from me punishing myself. Is this just really messed up? I don't want him to do anything too extrme to me though it was just a light spanking, but i don't want anything to escalate.

Oh I'm rambling, i'm sorry if this isn't making too much sense, i'm just a bit confused. I know a lot of you will be rolling your eyes and saying "this dilema again" as i know in this day and age i can't be the only woman who has these issues....i'm just looking for some rescourses, maybe journals, articles, groups i can look into because for the first time i feel like i know who i am sexually, and that makes me esctatic, yet confused. I simulationously feel like i know more about who i am than ever before, and yet like i've let something very important go.

Help!

(please)

Jen

Hey there curiousjen, more tomorrow, but in the meantime I just wanted to say a big welcome to the boards here at Freddy and Eddy. It is absolutely possible to lean towards submissive behaviour sexually with a particular partner and be a feminist, be an architect,a butcher, a baker, a candlestickmaker, be blonde, be brunette, be a Christian, be a Buddhist,or anything else.

While the article below deals with a more formalised "scene" based approach you might find some of the discussion interesting. I'll dig around in my files for some more reading material if you like.

http://www.asstr.org/files/Collections/nifty/information/alt.sex.bondage-FAQ

Also wanted to say, that you can rest assured that folks around here would never roll their eyes at any question you're likely to pose. On the contrary they'll appreciate your honesty.

If we dared "roll our eyes," Rain would gouge them out!

Welcome and I'll have some feedback shorty.

Hello curiousjen. Welcome to a world that is all the things you have said it is. In the beginning anyway and even sometimes after that.

First and foremost, being a submissive, especially a sexual submissive does not cheapen or lessen anything about who you are or what you believe in! Fighting for gender equality in the boardroom does not mean you have to fight for gender equality in the bedroom. And in a D/s relationship, gender is really only paritally relevant. It is the exchange of power that is the true key.

In my life I am very much an Alpha male. Strong, manly, confident. I'm a natural born leader who spent the majority of his adult life in doing just that, leading. I led men in combat and in law enforcement. I was hostage negotiator. People just seem to naturally gravitate to me. I am cool under pressure and immediately take charge and bring order to chaos. Now I am not saying all this as some form of bragging, just giving you a base line of who I am. Odds are, outside of this forum you and I would likely have some lively debates I'll bet! All that said, I am a sexual submissive. And in many ways a submissive in general.

But it has taken the love of my life and long time wife to bring this all out of me. Just as it has taken me to bring out her dominance. Oh it has always been there with the both of us, just under the surface but it took years before we finally began to explore it openly and honestly.

In the beginning my wife feared my becoming the stereotypical "male sub." A weak, frail thing with no will of his own. She despised the idea and would have nothing to do with it. But as she learned and researched she was reassured that that is foolishness. D/s is not a one-size fits all kind of a thing. It just is what it is for each of us.

I'm still every bit the man's man that I have always been. In fact I would have to say that my submission has actually made me stronger.

The keys to this are honesty (with yourselves and each other), research, and COMMUNICATION! These are very serious and very real emotions and experiences and you must discuss and explore them. I'm assuming trust is well established.

You can explore this to whatever degree and depth makes you feel comfortable. Whether it is nothing more than the occassional spanking during sex or full on bandage, it is for the two of you to explore and decide what you do and do not want. But never think that it changes who you are or what you believe in.

Also, as a self described manic and with a history of hruting yourself I want to a) strongly advise you have at least some degree of on going therapy (you may already) and b) always be very aware of the difference between the two. Surrendering yourself into the arms of one you trust and deriving sexual gratification from that exchange and from pain does not equate to hurting yourself. You've already hit on the keys and the differences so I think you understand.

Also, don't top from the bottom! I know this is all new to you and that is very common in the beginning for all of us. But hinting at wanting a spanking is not submission. You have to let him decide where, when, what, and how.

And always remember the only hard rules to a D/s relationship: Safe, Sane, Consensual. Establish a safe word, keep things on a level that isn't self-destructive, talk, and so on.

Yes, it is all very confusing and many lines become blurry when you begin this wonderful journey but as you learn and grow things don't necessarily become any easier to explain but they do somehow become clearer.

You've touched on a lot of key things in your writing. Ego, power exchange, surrender. These things will all become very important factors in the D/s relationship.

Okay I have rambled for a very long time. Just remember that you are not weird, you are not betraying your beliefs, and you are what you are. Make D/s fit you, not the other way around. It is yours to do with as you wish. Forget stereotypes. You can go as far or as little as you want.

Let yourself feel. I hope at least some of all that makes sense and that I didn't make too many typos!

Good luck.

LH

Curious,

What LH posted is one of the best I've seen anywhere (BTW - welcome LH!). I am very similar to LH; though I have not gone the military route, I have a VERY strong personality and have been know to command an entire party if I feel like it and I've been in combat areas like Angola, Africa, for example, and had to take charge in some pretty knarly situations. I like just about all sports, a good football game, and I even enjoy an issue of "Maxim" every now and then (ok, ok, I admit I've watched the Man Show as well, dammit!).

But, amidst all of this, I am a sexual submissive and have been working with Eddy for the last 2 years to get her to fulfill my desire and take this journey further with me. I'm not saying I want her to lock me in a box for the weekend in a leather straight jacket, but I DO want to give her complete control and involve a fairly decent amount of pain. One of the problems in this whole scenario is that she is hesitant to go this direction as it simply isn't in her nature to do so. She carefully lets daddy long legged spiders out the door at night! Inflicting pain on me is asking her to go against her basic instincts.

Add to this that SHE likes a good spanking and you can see our dilemma. From what you've described, your experience with mild pain is very healthy, erotic, and not uncommon. As LH said, being a feminist (whatever that means these days) has NOTHING to do with your sexual likes and dislikes under the sheets. In fact, you should do some further reading on the subject at many of the great websites across the net dealing with BDSM, such as S&M and JT's Stockroom , among others.

VERY interesting posts from all. I have been very curious about so many areas of the D/s relationship. I have been searching for information but am kind of coming up empty on what specifically I am looking for. There seem to be rules that govern this but yet it is what each couple make of it.

There are ideas I want to explore (certain scenarios)but yet are hesitant because of fear that I won't pull it off like I want. Switching roles, power exchange, submission, dominance - there is so much to understand and learn. Another deeper level seems to exist that we haven't explored yet - but I know it's there.

It has been confusing for me on many different levels. I have tried to be independent and almost self-reliant in so many areas - being submissive just seems to go against all of that. Then there is the part of me that totally wants to switch roles. I feel like I have a split personality at times!LOL

I have so many questions - (like do some couples exchange roles frequently, or are most people one or the other - a sub or Dom, or something as basic as why does a spanking have the effect it does on me - then I think I over analyze the whole thing!)I guess I just need to keep reading, asking, looking - it will come in time.

A website I have found very helpful:

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html - This is likely my favorite website on the subject. Yes it is geared to the female dominant but the advice is highly applicable regardless of gender. It is also laid out well and reads easily.

Thanks for the site suggestion LH; we just put up a link and review on our main page.

I wanted to thank both Limbhugger and Rain for those great links - these were more along the lines of info. I was looking for but couldn't find.

I would think by my age I would have figured out just about everything about my sexuality - but I haven't.

Thanks again!

Thanks you guys all that information was very helpful. I'm feeling a lot less confused really. I found some journals of submissive feminists online, and they have really captivated my imagination over the last few days, especially Shimmerings and as a consequence of you guys and the journals i have read i feel much less guilty and am just starting to really get into this and enjoy myself

We ordered our first pair of handcuffs off ebay, hurrah! This is all rather exciting- isn't it? I feel like a whole new world has been opened to me- to us- and I'm captivated.

thanks for all your help

Jen