I propose a new game. One person (or Persons) writes a letter to Santa explaining why he or she deserves NOT to be placed on the "Naughty" list. Another person needs to reply as if from Santa, Mrs. Claus, or one of his elves. Then the next person must reply.

Dear Santa:

I know you've been trying to find out who's been nice and who's been … well … naughty. I must admit that in a literal sense, we have been naughty. You might even consider us in the very naughty category. However, I must defend that given our relationship, our naughtiness is appropriate.

Regarding the sticky mess episode, who knew that chocolate, honey, and whipped cream taste are irresistible when smeared on a woman’s breasts? You must have because you know everything. And those mutual full body oil messages were because our skin was awful dry and needed conditioning. How were we to know that both instances led to … well … you know when we were naughty, but in a nice way.

So please, Santa, make our holiday wishes come true, and we promise to be nice all year long -- or at least be nice when we are not being naughty.

See you soon! Oh, by the way, assuming you are probably sick of milk and cooking by the time you reach our house, we will have some “Adult Beverages” for you and something very “special” for Mrs. Claus waiting under our tree.

Sincerely,
John and Jane Doe

Dear Mr and Ms Doe,

First let me say that HR has done their homework, and despite your last name, we have determined that you are not related to Dancer, Prancer, or any other of our current employees.

Second, since this was an election year, our legal department is currently researching the various state and local initiatives that were passed to establish just what constitutes naughty in each area. BTW be thankful you don't live in Texas!

As to your wish list, I regret to inform you that we no longer manufacture or deliver anal beads. When we did make them, we experienced a higher than normal theft rate and missed work days, by the elves.

As to the rest of your list I see no issues. Excellent choice on the Rabbit Vibe. Mrs. Claus say's it keeps the "HO, HO, HO" in her year round. As far as the snacks you propose, Santa likes Wild Turkey 101 and Mrs. Claus is partial to a nice red wine.

Sincerely,

Kris K

Steve Jones
1313 Mockingbird Ln
Munsie, IN 47305

Kris Kringle
CEO and co-Chair
North Pole Enterprises
North Pole, Arctic Circle

Dear Santa:

I would like your official advise and ruling. I am planning some special events to be effected on or around December 25, 2008 and your input is an essential element in the planning process.

So my question to you is Does receiving enjoyment from being tied up and spanked by my wife constitute being naughty?

I would appreciate you swift reply.

Sincerely,
Steven Jones

CC: 08-12-25 file, Leslie Jones

Kris Kringle
CEO and co-Chair
North Pole Enterprises
North Pole, Arctic Circle

Steven Jones
1313 Mockingurbird Ln
Munsie, IN 47305

Dear Steven:

Whoa, Ho Ho! You have been quite the mischievous one now, haven't you?

As you know, my son, I have always been an old-fashioned chap myself. You will be pleased to know that YOU most certainly will NOT be put on the naughty list this Christmas. Why, it is every red-blooded man's RIGHT be tied up and spank or be spanked by his wife, in MY book! You have turned out to be a fine husband, and I am very proud of you.

Your WIFE however, is the one I'm afraid who is going to have to be put on the naughty list.

Sit down, son....um, err, how can I say this. It's a bit awkward a situation, see. As I said, I am old-fashioned in my ways; I come from an era where men do as they please. What MEN do at the North Pole, stays at the North Pole.

I'm having a little trouble figuring out just how to tell you this, son. Instead, allow me to sing you one of my favorites from the 1970's...it goes like this:

"Me and MRS JONES...(fa-la-la-la-la)...
We've got a thing...(repeat fa-la..)...going on.
We both know that it's wrong...
But it's MUCH too STRONG...to let it go now."

Apparently your beloved Leslie couldn't wait until Christmas and she committed the biggest of Kringle sins:

She flew up here this past summer and got her hands on MY [enormous] package by surprise. She used to be such a sweet girl...which reminds me of another song..."Thank goodness for little girls...They grow up..."

Whoa..Ho..Ho..Oh, never mind! After trying to think of a way to properly punish Leslie, cumming to my senses, then changing my mind...over and over and over, I finally decided to give her a big extra long and bumpy ride home on my big sleighbed. (By the way, she's affectionately known as "Sweet Lickable Lili" to me! ) Man, does she know how to milk MY cookies! HeHe!

Cough, cough

We don't want Santa to get a bad name because of your wife, now, do we? I'd appreciate it if you kept this CLOSELY between us. I'm sending you all of the age-appropriate toys on your wish list. As a bonus, Mrs. Kringle will be 'swingin by' your place. She hopes you'll whip out a batch of some nice creamy eggnog. Mrs. Kringle will bring some of her steaming HOT BUNS to pass around for all to share as well...they're quite yummy, actually. I enjoy them year 'round so Lili's cream puffs were a welcome change.

Please accept my apologies for the delay in getting this letter to you sooner.

I certainly hope this brings a happy ending to your Holiday. I aim to spread Holiday Joy (Carol, Sherry, etc.) everywhere I can.

Fondly,

Kris Kringle

This message has been edited. Last edited by: ultlushamed,

Dear Santa,

the girls in the office get angry at me for not wearing gloves or washing my hands after an exam. they really went over the line when they told me to keep my mitts out of the donut boxes. i pay their wages and also buy the donuts for my whole staff.

i think considering this alone, i should automatically make your NICE list.

please bring me some new nail clippers, i get tired of chewing them off.

your's truly

dr. semore butts
doctor of proctology

Dear Dr. Butts,

Much like Tiger was born to play golf, Clapton to play guitar, Oprah to eat and be flithy rich, you to were born for assholes. I'd advise your office staff to especially avoid the chocolate covered glazed donuts.

Nail clippers seem so little for you. I'm thinking a unicorn chair, and a do it yourself colonoscopy kit from Santa would be just the right fit.

Santa

Dear Santa,

Monday: I called in sick & masturbated.
Tuesday: I called in sick & masterbated.
Wednesday: I called in sick & masturbated.
Thursday: I stole 700billion $$.
Friday: I called in sick & masturbated.
Saturday: I masturbated on my wife's elbow.
Sunday: I rested. Then I masturbated.

Send lube.

Hank Paulson