Hey Everyone,

It's been quite some time since I've written on this site and I know that I will be able to get sound advice and compassion from the majority of this population. I've been through difficult times in the past year or so and have been in a fair amount of denial in recent months. I was diagnosed with 'somewhere between situational and clinical' depression. I did something in April that gave me reason to believe I needed help further than what I was already getting.

I was denying any type of medicational help until that point in time and since then have experienced ups and downs.

I need support, compassion, information, stories of success, experiences, etc. Whatever you guys think will help me get through this very very tough time, i ask for.

Thanks in advance for the help and for everything.

Kathy

Welcome back Kathy! I'm sorry that you are going through such hard times. What happened in April? I'm glad that you are coming out and dealing with it head on. You know we are always here for you.

Welcome back!

First -- There is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a medical condition. Like catching a cold or having kidney stones. It happens and it had nothing to do with anything you did.

If you have been diagnosed than you should be on medication. They work. Depression is a medical condition and a qualified psychiatrist can prescribe medication to help. It takes time until the proper dosage can be found. Once it is found, things get better (not perfect but better).

You should also be talking to a professional councilor. He/She can train you on techniques to handle the ups and downs.

I know that menstrual cycles can cause ups and downs and other hormonal changes can also cause ups and downs.

It takes time to help your body find its new equilibrium and remember depression is a medical condition not a mental health problem. There is a big difference.

Good Luck.
MJ

This message has been edited. Last edited by: mjbarbag,

Depression is no joke. I'm pretty sure my mother has been clinically depressed for years but is too "old school" to do anything about.

I've struggled with pretty tough depression at various times, but managed to get through by various means. One was a lot of venting. I still have a box full of journals.

I also got some therapy from a counselor. A word about therapists though--like everyone else, they all have their strengths and weaknesses. If you don't click with the one you meet, try another one. You may be more amenable to one kind of approach over another.

I also asked myself, what was one thing that could keep me going. At the time, the answer was "music." Over 25 years later, I still fall back on that at times.

The thing to remember about all of these strategies is that they don't make your problems go away. That is to say, things will still go wrong, the economy is still going to suck, people are still going to be rude on the roads, etc., etc. But, hopefully, whatever strategies you adopt will make it easier for you to cope with life when things go wrong.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. And if that light is the oncoming train, just try to grab on and see what's in the other direction.

Welcome Bart! And thanks for the insight on this topic.

How's things Kathy?

Hey Everyone,

thank you so very much for all your thoughts and advice. First and foremost, the 'something in April' was attempting suicide. Everyone around me who are close to me believe I did not really want to die, but was a very big cry for help. I've been seeing a therapist since the beginning of december and the first one didn't click with me so I kept looking. I found this really awesome gal and have been seeing her ever since. We've talked about everything in my life and she has been a great help in getting me through this difficult part of my life.

Now, I wish to clarify one thing before I continue. I was not diagnosed with clinical depression where 'everything in my life is wrong and i want to end my life and only medications will solve my problem' NOR was I diagnosed with situational depression "no medication can help you, only taking yourself permanently out of this situation will make you get back to your own normality'. I was told that I'm somewhere in between. I can fully agree with this!

I've been working through this with my family, with a few select friends and with Jay. It has actually surprised me how MUCH things are different! The medication took a few weeks to really kick in and work in a positive sense without many negative effects, however, one remains.... It's currently just past midnight and i feel the effects of the medication wear off. Not suicidal, by any stretch, but down, sad, negative, disliking myself... these type of things... Now, I'm still not sure HOW to fix this... but I'm sure that there is a way.

The other thing that really scares me besides all of this stuff happening to me, and part of the reason for me posting this originally is that I'm a nurse. I've been taught to trust my instinct and trust intuition. At around 8-10pm every night, I can not trust my mind. I can not trust the one thing that I value MOST in my entire life. This is the scariest part that ive had to deal with. The other part that scares me is that I attempted with medications- I no longer trust myself to take pain medications at all. I look at the bottle and with to down the entire bottle. Being at work, this is not an issue whatsoever. thankfully this problem I'm dealing with does not even come anywhere near my work. I'm very fortunate about that. That was unfortunately one of the reasons why I had to move back to Windsor as well.

Now, with more information, please tell past experiences, advice, etc.

thanx once again in advance for everything, I know this place will help.

~Kathy~

Last October I spent a long night at the emergency room with my wife and 15 yr old daughter who had just attempted suicide. Like you it was more of a cry for help (she came and told us) and she downed only Mortin (lucky it was not tylenal). She has since been diagnosed as one with depression.

The meds have helped a lot and they do wear off. I am sure you being a nurse you inform your councilor of the late night downers. If not you need to tell her so she can make adjustments.

Surrounding yourself with friends will help as will Jay. My daughter has surrounded her with friends and that acts as a buffer because they have no problem ratting her out when she begins to act out. My Daughter even on a rare occasion talks with us (more her mother than me).

It is not easy and you have my thoughts and prayers. I do wish you luck and remember there are a lot of people here who will listen if you want a place to rant.

MJ

Kathy,
I read your post earlier and felt I had nothing useful to offer...but you kept coming back to my mind all afternoon.

All I have to offer is my ear and 32 years of my own lame existence...
I'm sorry you're feeling badly right now. MJ is so right, this is a place where you can share all those things that you can't tell people who know you in real life. Let it out. You can PM me if you want to talk!
I've read so many of you other posts and you seemed really up beat and positive. What happened in April??? You had to move?
I understand how things can change, kind of beneath your feet, without you even realizing it. Sometimes I just feel apathetic and I know that's not how my personality used to be. You don't have to rationalize your feelings just because of your clinical type job. Feeling are not rational, but you can't validate them by letting them overcome you either.
All I know is, my cousin recently succumbed,to whatever that immense sorrow is. And it hurts me every hour! I hate it that we couldn't talk, that she had to feel like, that, was a solution when there are so many choices in life.
I can tell by how you write that there are alot of people who love you; please count me as another one OK!
-Jill

Depression is not easily seen by others, since most people think that you just have a hard time as we all does. The only thing I can recommend is find some people you can really, really trust and talk to them when you think you're in a situation that nobody understands. Just talking about something forces you to describe it explicitly and your friends then might be able to help you.

Thanx everyone for the advice. There are still rough days/nights but I'm hanging in there, forcing myself to start enjoying the thing I used to love so dearly and getting them back into my regular schedule again.

Kathy

Kathy, let me give you a quick word of encouragement. My husband struggles with clinical depression, as do several members of his mother's side of the family. No doubt in this family that the depression is very chemical, and medication is required to treat it.

Having said that, I have seen my husband's depression (which reached a peak 7 years or so into our marriage) wane in its intensity and length over the last few years. We attribute this primarily to some spiritual experiences he has had which have brought much enlightenment and focus into his life. I have also seen others in his family lead productive lives with good coping skills in place.

Was he always this way? By no means! Was the medication perfect? No, that took some work also. But bottom line...I once felt hopeless about my husband. Now I am full of hope for a wonderful future with him. Hang in there...take the meds, pursue healing, and you can live life to the fullest!

Hang in there Kathy. I know one thing that helps me keep the blues away is keeping busy. It's called "denial." But people say that like it's a bad thing. Actually, it can be an effective coping mechanism--keeping yourself busy so that you don't have time to feel sorry for yourself. Of course, you don't want to go overboard and deny any feelings, but since you're on track with a therapist, I don't think that will be a problem.

I'm sure you're an intelligent, hard-working, lovable person with lots of people that care a great deal about you.

I was just reading an old Cornel West quote, and he talks about not having faith but being a "prisoner of hope." I feel that way a lot--I don't have faith that things will get better, and yet I can't help but hope that they will. Don't give up hope.

Hey All,

thanks for the ideas and stories- they do, believe it or not, help me tones. Just knowing that others are going through this hard stuff helps. I've been told it's a very selfish issue, and I can see why but to be honest, I feel that in this point of my life, I need to be selfish to enjoy life, to survive life.

With regards to denial, Bart, I completely agree with you. It's not really a case of keeping busy to keep your head in denial though. Depression, for me is irrational thoughts and my brain lying to me. When I keep busy with rational items and realistic tasks, then my brain doesn't have the chance to think odd thoughts. The day i attempted I had extremely irrational thoughts in my head which pushed me over the border of suicidal thoughts and suicidal actions.

The hardest thing for me to do right now (not quite sure why though) is to believe that everyone loves me as much as they do. It's not great to say or admit but it is there. My living conditions aren't the best with regards to the people in it, however, I'm realizing that this is a challenge for me. let's see where this challenge gets me .

Kathy

Just a Quick Update:

I'm feeling better. I have been having episodes mainly past 8pm due to being tired and less able to control my emotions and thoughts relating to them.

Jay adviced me early on in this issue that I should just go to sleep and sleep it off. I've tried finding things that I enjoy and heavily concentrating on them for a lil bit. Part of me feels like I'm failing if i let sleep take over and fight these emotions rather than myself actually doing this job consciously.

I should also add that my psychiatrist agrees with Jay but can also see my point of view regarding finding things i love to naturally pick up the seritonin amount and has stated I dont need to have my meds increased..which I agree with.

What do you guys think??

~Kathy~

well, it should absolutely be understood that people can and do use sleep in an escapist/"i don;t want to deal with it" manner, and that's not a good place to get back on track from.

BUT...

A lack of sleep, or lack of quality sleep, causes a lot of physiological issues that can cause or augment depression/exhaustion. A very sound coverage of these issues is offered here:

http://medherb.com/bi/Issue-133-Spring-2003.pdf.pdf

This is very detailed clinical information, but I think it explains the multifaceted nature of sleep debt quite well.