Lately, we've been spending some time over on the boards at Literotica and came across this lovely post in one of the threads. We thought it would be cool to share it. It has to do with couples who have differing levels of sexual desire:

Hi all. First-time poster, long-time lurker. I've received some great advice here over the past year or so and figured I might as well try to contribute my own limited knowledge to the board.

Anyhow, this subject is, unfortunately, one with which I've become very familiar the past few years. Also unfortunately, I agree with Freddy--it's best to cut your losses and move on in this situation. Communication is great in theory, and I've no doubt that it works for a limited number of people, but it's nearly impossible to resolve this particular relationship issue by talking. For two principal reasons...

1. The partner who doesn't want sex very often doesn't view this lack of desire as a problem. And, really, it isn't. It's just how the person is wired.

2. You can't "communicate" a person into realizing that they need and want more sex, or that they don't need it as much as he or she thinks, because when it comes right down to it you're trying to change them in a fundamental way. Chances are the person won't like that very much. He or she will almost certainly see it as grossly unfair and depersonalizing.

Combine this and you've got resentment growing on both sides. And try as I might, I can't see how this would ever work out to a satisfactory resolution. If the uninterested party decided to start having sex more, it would be largely out of a sense of obligation and a desire not to hurt his or her lover. Which isn't good, because then the other partner starts feeling that the relationship is still one-sided and gets guilty over essentially forcing his or her partner into sex that isn't really wanted.

The only way I can see a problem like this coming to some sort of resolution is for one partner to change, to either repress the sex drive or try books, drugs, therapy, whatever to crank it up. And since neither route will feel natural, you'll still have resentment in the end. The only real hope is a natural change, a person who realizes on his or her own that they either want it more or want it less.

Of course, all of the above is based on the assumption that both parties are "normal" in that their sex drive or lack of same isn't afflicted by abuse past and present, a drug issue, etc. If you can identify issues like that, and work with them through counselling, medication, etc., it's obviously a whole new ball game. Problem is keying on the actual problem and convincing the other person that this needs work. Which may not be easy if the person simply feels everything else in life is fine.

Admittedly, my judgment may be colored at the moment. I got married last fall despite suffering from this mismatched sex drive issue for four years. I want it, she doesn't, so we have sex maybe three times a month and every time I'm the one who initiates. She rejects my advances eight out of ten times, minimum.

Yet we've always been great communicators, talk a great deal, have no secrets, and get along very well outside the bedroom. She just doesn't have much interest in sex, and I've grown very distant and detached from her. We've discussed the issue to death. Generally, these conversations go like this -- I apologize for growing resentful, she pledges that she'll work on things, we discuss lots of different things that may be contributing to the problem, and things sort of improve for a while. Then it goes back to square one. I want to get angry, rage at the world, all that fun stuff, but I can't get too upset because I know that she's not doing anything "wrong." She's a loving, caring, wonderful person who is just being true to her desires. Like I am to mine. Problem is, those desires just aren't compatible. We're growing apart and I am, quite frankly, falling out of love, which is about the worst damn feeling in the world. I'd prefer abject loneliness to this.

Keep all that in mind, Shaun. It's one thing to work on this when you're young, and I admire your resolve in keeping the love alive in your relationship. But if you're having doubts about her like this so early, it may be an important message to which you need to listen. Sometimes, as corny as it sounds, love just isn't enough.