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I had a long talk with the STBX today. The discussion started when we were reviewing some language for our divorce decree. When we got to the end of that I told her that there was something I wanted to ask her. I said that we had invested 16 years in our relationship thus far, and that I was continually troubled by how casually we seemed to end it. I told her that it bothered me that we hadn't even tried to fix things. I said that I wanted her to consider going to some sort of counseling with me to discover if there was anything to save, and, if not, help us find some closure.

In response, STBX told me that she too had wondered if we were doing the right thing at times. She is having trouble adjusting to having to work, and not being able to devote as much time to the kids. She feels that she is drawing apart from some of her girlfriends in the neighborhood as she is not part of the daily circle any more. She is feeling overhwelmed. But, she still thinks we are doing the right thing.

Then, after all these years, she finally, finally opened up and gave me some insight into what had happened. Confirming one of my working theories, she says that she doesn't believe that she was ever in love with me. She said that she had nagging feelings of doubt even before the wedding, and blames herself for not acting on them at the time. She, like me, went through the motions all these years, doing what she thought the right thing. She, like me, felt that we were simply co-existing - biding her time until the kids grew up. And resentment of me was growing in her steadily - as my resentment for her was growing at the time (just read the archives - you'll see).

By last October, she had reached her limit and felt that if we didn't do something, she would grow to hate me.

She cried the whole time she talked.

During those ten minutes of listening to her I felt a weight lifting from me. I finally knew for sure what had happened, and confirmed that I could not have done anything to save this marriage. The best I could have done was force the split earlier.

And she showed emotion about it. The Ice Queen melted. And by so doing, she showed me that she really did care.

The explanation, coupled with her evident pain, was just what I needed to hear and see.

We agreed that the 16 years were not wasted because of our three beautiful children. If our marriage had ended earlier, we might never have had our youngest, and I would not have been able to be such a significant part of their formative years.

We also agreed that the pain both of us are experiencing in this transition period will pay off in the long run as we are both able to discover who we are and seek our own happiness.

And finally, we both agreed that there was no reason to seek any counseling.

So it was a big day for me. Is this the final closure I've been seeking? Probably not. I'm sure I will have some more ups and downs.

But I feel like I can now finally focus on the future.

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