Hey everyone!

Two things have happened to me in the last couple of weeks and I need your help!

My eleven-year-old admitted to my sister (in front of me) that he h ad played the game "suck and blow" at a recent pool party with other 10 and eleven-year-olds.

Second: I watched a show called "Middle School Confessions" where preteens talk about sex, alcohol and other issues. The first segment is 12 and 13-year-old girls talking candidly about sex, "handies" oral sex and other advanced sexual behavior that they engage in. I was astounded! NOt by the sex, but by their tender ages and casual attitudes.

Anyway, my problem: I was raised in a very sexually open home. Any topic could be discussed and received seriously. I want to talk and talk to my kid about these topics. I want to know what he is thinking and I want to tell him what I think. My point of view is that I don't want to be the parent who assumes hers is the only one not engaging in sexual behavior. I'm AFRAID that I will push too hard tho and he will avoid me altogether. I have already told him that I don't approve of him playing suck and blow and I don't think he's ready for kissing games. I waited until I was tucking him in for bed and the lights were out because I thought this may be less confrontational--which I don't want to be. AAARGH I'm so confused and wound up!!!

If you have been through this, let me know how you handled it!!!

thanks!
Jen

well i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the only way to keep a child away from those types of things is to lock them in a closet until they're 21.

it sounds like you're on the right track in having a somewhat open mind about all things sexual. the biggest thing to remember is peer acceptance between children and how important it is for a child to feel like they fit in somewhere. conversation is the key to all relationships, young and old. talk to him about the game, kissing and then sex in general. sometimes kids repeat things they've heard others talk about. what better way to let his auntie know he's growing up than to talk about grownup things. maybe he thinks the game is something sexually active people do. 11 years old is a very confusing time as you may recall.....talk, talk and talk some more.

Jen, I know your pain. My son is interested in sex and has gotten into some things we are not happy about. We talked to a professional and he said you really need to talk about it as open as you do about anything else. If they know you know and that you don't treat it like it is private, secret, or dirty, they are less likely to be deviant about it.

If you don't talk about it, they will hide it. If you keep it out in the open, they'll know you understand what they are going through. If you cannot talk, there are lots of books available that you can get from your library or bookstore. Be frank about them reading the material and ask them to ask you questions they may have.

It's a long process and I hate this part of it but it is a necessary one for them to get through this patch in their lives. The kids are playing these games because they all have egos and they are unsure about their bodies right now. They pretend to be active for acceptance and then they end up being active out of fear of getting called out on it.

So turn all of the lights on on this and don't let them hide from the conversation. Be clear about the consequences of experimentation. Let them know that masturbation is fine for now.

Conversations can be had while engaged with your child in an activity. A walk, a bikeride, shooting baskets, etc. Don't sit them down in front of you because it will make them squirm.

Good luck.

im just gonna say. i really agree with the above post 100%. not even going to add or delete.

good reasoning.

cheers
N.

I agree, peer acceptance can be pretty motivating, even if someone doesn't want to take part in activities. The best thing to do is to make sure he is armed with the proper and CORRECT information regarding anatomy (male and female), STD's, protection, etc. If you feel comfortable, find some good books at Barnes & Noble or something and leave them around for him to find and read on his own. Also, if you haven't had the full-blown "birds and bees" talk, now's the time.

As far as age appropriate behavior, I'd say kissing games are about par for the course, "suck and blow" should not be.

Many kudos to you for having an open attitude about sex, which many parents do not. This will definitely serve to make things less awkward when you have these discussions. You didn't mention if he has a father figure or if you're married, but if yes, have him talk to your son...sometime guys are more willing to open up to another guy because they can identify with their experiences. Good luck!

Thanks everyone! I'm not at all afraid of these topics. What I am afraid of is becoming repetitive and irritating so that my son avoids me altogether...but perhaps I'm over thinking this. Someone tell me to relax!!! lol

As a woman, I also hate the idea of girls giving oral sex to boys to make the boys like them, etc. I want our son to have more respect for girls than to allow that...but I think I may be asking too much!

My husband? Forget about it. He's one of the misinformed who think information breeds promiscuity. Please don't waste your time telling me he's an idiot. It's information I already have! lol.


It's such a relief to have a forum to talk about my fears!

thanks again.
jen

Loverly - I feel you pain being a father of two teens. We have been open with the kids. They know the how we feel. I tell my daughter (14) that I was once a teenage boy and know quite well the tricks employed.

They need the confidence of set ground rules (Yes rules builds confidence by give them gound to stand and a starting point for their own ideas). They should be fair and take into consideration modern society AND your own morals and personal stances. At the same time you kids need to know that you are there not as as an enforcer (however, my house my rules is still valid as part of the gound rules) but more of a guide, pointing out the proper route (based on these groud rules) and explaining the pit falls if they veer from the path.

However, you still need to be parent and investigate what is happening in the lived of you kids and his friends. You need to talk with him about the game as it relates to the ground rules. You need to speak with the other parents also (BE prepared for a WIDE range of reactions and denial from your son.

Keep open and available. Do not pass on a chance to instruct and guide. Knock you husband in the head and tell him to get his ass in gear and be a father (Yes you can quote me, I have a 17 yr old son and a 14 yr daughter and have been through the no information mind set).

One thing to remember -- Our kids will learn more from us that from anyone else. Even if we do not talk with them -- They watch and mimic. We are the standard upon they base their lives.

Good Luck
MJ

quote:

One thing to remember -- Our kids will learn more from us that from anyone else. Even if we do not talk with them -- They watch and mimic. We are the standard upon they base their lives.

Hopefully.

they watch and mimic those they admire. a lot of parents are not that person. some kids mimic who they feel safe with, others watch and dont mimic at all.

i think the line is. steadfast strong and disciplined parenting (emphasis on the discipline of the parent) building trust and a open discourse and relationship with your child. not an equal partnership. but a definite apprenticeship towards adulthood. it takes even handedness, and a good measure of controlled collision. they make mistakes. they learn life. or smarter yet. they see the mistakes of others, and avoid it alltogether.

or what seems to be all too common today. discipline based punitive parenting. one breeds trust. one is based on fear. and from what ive seen of my daughter and her friends. they get no room to live learn or grow in the least.

(mom's the authoritarian)

eventually kids grow up. they have to learn to make correct assumptions with proper ethical behaviour. we plant the seeds. but if we dont tend the garden with love and a careful eye. the beetles and weeds take over.

=)
N.

We just had a quick conversation over lunch; he and his friend. I reiterated that they're too young for kissing and when they got embarrassed I pointed out that if they are too embarrassed to talk about it, maybe they shouldn't be doing it. My sister also pointed out (wisely, I think) that they also have the power to influence their friends and that if they didn't want to join in a game maybe no one else did either and if only someone would speak up...


jen

quote:

Originally posted by loverly:

My eleven-year-old admitted to my sister (in front of me) that he h ad played the game "suck and blow" at a recent pool party with other 10 and eleven-year-olds.

I must have a dirty mind. I thought you meant something else by "suck and blow", and I too was astounded by the thought of that being done by preteens.

I had never heard of the game, so I looked it up online, here:
suck and blow game

Holy crap! Thanks SSM! I was totally thinking of the other activity too. Thanks for the clarification

quote:

Originally posted by Phoenix:
Holy crap! Thanks SSM! I was totally thinking of the other activity too. Thanks for the clarification

Oh oh oh now I need a dictionary to understand my soon to be ten year old!

I admit my eyebrows were embedded in my hairline thinking the worst.

I've been around several fifth grade girls this year, and at first it is horrifying to hear their conversations, but after a while, I have come to realize that the majority of what they are saying are things to just top each other's statements with something wilder, bigger, better, etc. That goes for any topic of their conversation, from trips, clothes, parents ages and boys. However, they seem to know alot more than I did at that age.

Even though I was very naive about sex and sometimes still am, as I had to google "suck and blow", I do remember kissing a boy in the pool the summer before 5th & 6th grade. I wouldn't worry about kissing games as that age. Just make sure to have open conversations about sex.

The best conversations happen naturally throughout life, instead of just having "the talk".

sounds bad. but when my kid was about 14. i took her to the local walmart. and we just walked about . looking at this and that. but i started shadowing a young couple. 17 or so. screaming infant. they looked poor.

i said to her. "its sad that when kids think of sex, they dont think of the after effects" and i just let her observe. she didnt know we were following them. but after about ten minutes. she got it.

cause and effect. it doesnt matter how you show it. but they listen better. when they see it and put it together in thier own minds. she realized young and struggling isnt where she wanted to be

just an alternative view.

cheers
N.